“Yeah, baby, that fucking is about you,” J snapped back at me, “But this isn’t. Now get on the back of the bike and let’s go.”

Oh, no he didn’t.  “What the fuck does that mean, J?  The bit about that being about me.”  There had been an ugly tone to his words that I didn’t like and I didn’t know where they were coming from.

He leant down into my face and I was stunned at the anger emanating from him, “Perhaps if you hadn’t dated Nix, all of this shit wouldn’t be happening.”

Tears threatened my eyes, “I can’t believe you just said that,” I breathed out on a whisper, staring at him in shock and confusion.  He stayed bent and in my face, just glaring at me.  We stayed like that for a minute or so, the hurt feelings and unsaid things from years ago swirling around us.

Finally he stood back and broke eye contact.  “Crystal’s staying with Brooke, so be prepared for that.” He changed the subject just like that; just like he always used to do and it hurt just as much now as it had then.

***

Brooke was J’s sister, and we had a long, hard history.  Back in school we had been close, but the year after we finished school a misunderstanding had come between us.  It was a silly misunderstanding, about a guy, and she had hated me ever since.  Bec, however, had remained friends with Brooke, so she had continued to be a presence in my life.  We just did our best to keep out of each other’s way.  When I started dating J, she had been pissed off and had done her best to break us up.  Brooke was the only family J had left after both his parents had died in a car accident and he was very close to her; she was his younger sister and he looked out for her and made sure she was always okay.  When she began her campaign against us it had almost worked because J always made excuses for her behaviour.  I had often felt like I came second to her and had threatened to walk away from the relationship a couple of times.  It all came to a head about a year into our relationship and J had been forced to take a stance.  He had chosen me but it was always clear just how much he loved Brooke, and from then on I had tried hard not to put him in the middle again.  I think Brooke did the same because she had stopped trying to separate us.

We pulled up at Brooke’s house about fifteen minutes later.  J was still shitty, and stalked into the house ahead of me.  I watched as he entered the house and greeted Brooke.  She looked past him at me, her face a blank mask.  I was surprised when she gave me a tight smile and gestured for me to come in.

“Madison, how are you?” she asked as I came through the front door.

Well, shit, I could make small talk too. “I’m okay.  And you?”

Before she could answer, Crystal came running into the room.  “Madison!”  She threw herself into my arms and I was overcome with emotion.  I bent down and wrapped her in my arms, smoothing her hair and pressed my lips to her forehead.  My heart broke a little more for her and I fought back the tears.  I struggled with the knowledge that this beautiful child was now alone in the world, and I was annoyed at myself for not coming to see her sooner.

“Hey, sweetheart,” I said, holding her a moment longer, and then I pulled away to take in her eyes.  They betrayed her confusion, her loss and her heartbreak.  If I was upset before, I was murderous now.  How dare Nix take away her family?  I kissed her again and then stood, keeping my arm around her.

J was watching me intently; his pissed off mood somewhat abated.  He now knelt in front of Crystal.  “How would you like us to stay for dinner tonight, angel?” he asked as he gently ran his hand over her hair in a soothing gesture, “We could order in your favourite.”

He was gentle with her and my heart skipped a beat.  It reminded me that there was a softer side to J; in there somewhere, under all that rough biker bullshit.

Crystal nodded at him, “My favourite is pizza,” she said in a timid little voice.

J smiled at her and said, “Okay, I’ll order that.  You go and sit with Madison while Brooke and I organise dinner.”  His tenderness was killing me.  He was so hot and cold; one minute so angry with me that he was saying shit I didn’t know he had in him, and now this; this sweet talk to a child.

He stood and motioned for Brooke to follow him into the kitchen, leaving Crystal and I alone to talk.  I hadn’t seen her in over three years but before that we had been almost as close as a mother and daughter.  Bec had been raising her kids on her own and I was her support, helping her out with money, babysitting and anything else she needed.  Coming back into Crystal’s life now, after three years, I had been worried that she might not remember me but I was relieved that she did.

I took her hand and led her to the couch.  “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry that I haven’t been here for you.  Not only now but also for the last couple of years.  Things happened, and your Mum and I...”

She cut me off, “Mum told me that she never wanted to see you again.  I know it wasn’t you that didn’t want to see me.”  Her big green eyes looked so sad and I could tell that she was close to tears.

I nodded, “I need you to know that I am here for you now, baby.  I won’t leave you alone.  Do you understand that?”

She started crying and I used every ounce of control to stay strong for her.  The last thing she needed now was me crying with her; she needed to know that I was strong enough for the both of us, that I would get her through this.  I pulled her to me and hugged her, letting her cry.  Crystal had always been a tough little girl, fiercely independent and I hadn’t seen her cry much over the years.  She tended to bottle her feelings up and tried not to let us see what she was going through.  I think it was her way of coping with all the crazy shit she had witnessed in her life.  Bec had been as good a mother as she could be, but the men she had gotten herself involved with had often brought the crazy to her life and as a result the kids felt it too.  Having grown up in the club lifestyle myself, I could always see why Crystal shut herself off like that because I had done the same as a child.