“Lil, if you weren’t in your right mind to say yes, that means it was rape, I’m telling you! That’s like the very definition of rape!” My blood is boiling; I can literally feel it boiling. I jump up and start pacing around. I’m going to take this guy down. “What’s his name? Tell me his name, and I’ll go over there right now with my boys.” Pat would come; so would Ricky. I can get a whole posse together. I’ll get my old baseball bat out and smash this guy’s whole house to smithereens—

“Kat, sit down,” Mary says, fixing her blue eyes on me.

I’m startled by how firm her voice sounds, so I sit my ass down. “We can’t let him get away with it!”

“It’s not up to you,” Mary says. “We do what Lillia wants.”

I open my mouth to argue with her, but then Lillia speaks up. Gratefully she says, “Thanks, Mary. I . . . I appreciate it. And Kat, I appreciate you too. I want to forget the whole thing happened. It was a mistake, and it’s over. I don’t want to let it affect me any more than it already has. I just . . . want it to be over.”

I nod, because I get that. Then I say, “Wait a minute, you called out for Rennie? She was there too?”

“Yeah. It was this summer; we met these two UMass guys on the beach . . . they had a party.” Lillia swallows. “We drank a lot, I don’t really remember much of what happened after we went upstairs with them. But Rennie was in the room with me; she had sex with her guy too. We left before they woke up.”

“So was Rennie raped too, then?” I ask her.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if what happened was rape, or if things just went too far, or what. Rennie and I never talked about it again after that night.” She wipes her eyes with her sweater sleeve. “I can’t even believe I’m telling you guys this.”

“We’re your friends,” Mary says, crawling closer to her. “You can tell us anything.”

“But shouldn’t we . . .” I hesitate. “Call the cops or something? Report the guy?”

“There’s no evidence,” Lillia says. “I didn’t get a rape kit done. I didn’t have any bruises on my body. It would be his word against mine, and I don’t want to go through that. I don’t want my parents to have to go through that. I don’t want them to ever know that happened to me.” She lifts her head and meets Mary’s eyes. “I want them to still see me the same way. You know what I mean?”

Mary nods. “I know exactly what you mean.”

“Lil, maybe you should talk to someone,” I say, and I feel like the world’s biggest hypocrite, because it’s not like I’m some big believer in talking out my feelings. But this is serious. “Like, I don’t know, a counselor. Or a therapist. Not Ms. Chirazo, but a legit therapist, someone with a degree, someone who knows their shit. Maybe they can help you.”

“Maybe,” Lil says, but I can’t tell if she means it. Then suddenly she says, “I will if you will, Mary.”

Yes! Lillia! Perfect, perfect timing. Girl does not miss a beat!

Mary reels back like Lillia slapped her. “I don’t need to talk to anybody.”

Wetting her lips, Lillia says, “You’ve been through a lot.”

I quick jump in with, “And I know things aren’t so great at home with your aunt right now . . . it could help to have another person on your side.”

Shaking her head, Mary clenches her fists inside her sleeves. “Can we talk about something else? Please?” She closes her eyes, like she can’t even bear to look at us.

This time, thank God, I know to keep my mouth shut.

CHAPTER FIFTY

I wake up to the sound of my phone ringing. I’m buried under my comforter, and it’s dark in my room because the shades are all drawn. Blindly I sit up and start pawing around my bed for my cell phone. Then the ringing stops and I lie back down. And then the ringing starts again.

Kat’s sprawled out on the floor on her sleeping bag, twisted up in my baby blanket. She groans loudly. “Somebody turn that shit off!”

From my love seat Mary lifts her head and asks, “What time is it?”

“Too damn early,” Kat growls.

I finally find my phone at the foot of my bed. It’s Reeve. I sit up quick. “It’s Reeve, you guys!” I scream.

Kat jumps onto my bed and Mary rushes over and kneels on the floor beside us. Everybody’s wide awake now. “What do I do?” I ask them. Panic is rising in my chest. “Should I pick up?” Yesterday I fully accepted that I would never speak to Reeve Tabatsky again in my life. But I didn’t think for a second that he’d call me.

Mary’s eyes are wide. “Yes!”

“Put him on speaker!” Kat orders. “Be brutal, Lil!”

My hand is shaking as I answer it. I click speaker. “Hello?”

“Hey, what’s going on?”

I say, “Who is this?” in a fake sleepy voice, and Kat falls over laughing silently. Mary’s crouching at my side, her eyes wide. I don’t even know if she’s breathing.

“It’s Reeve!” And I can tell he’s annoyed. “Why aren’t you here yet?”

“I just woke up. I guess I overslept. Sorry.” I keep my voice indifferent and un-sorry.

He huffs, “Well, can you come over now?”

My heart does a little ping. I take a deep breath and try to conjure up some of the anger I felt when he didn’t come back the other night, but it’s gone. Awkwardly I say, “I’m not really feeling it.”

At this, Mary covers her mouth with her hands and Kat’s literally rolling on the floor, kicking her feet in the air. There’s a long silence, and Reeve doesn’t speak, and I think maybe he already hung up.

But then he says, “I’m coming over,” and my heart stops.

“Wait!” I say, but he’s hung up for real this time. I drop my phone and look at the girls in horror. “Oh my God. Oh my God. What am I supposed to do now? He’s coming over here!”

Kat’s doing a dance, running in place. “Hells, yeah! Let him! It ain’t over till the fat lady sings!” Kat boogies over to my window and peers outside. “He’s still on our hook. I mean, what else would he want?”

“Maybe to give Lillia an early Christmas present?” Mary asks, clasping her hands.

“I don’t know what he wants!” What does it matter? He’s coming. He’ll be here in like five minutes! And I’m not going to answer the door looking like a pile of crap. I run to my bathroom and splash cold water on my face and brush my teeth as fast I can. I throw off my sweats and put my cute cami-andshorts set back on.

Out in my room, I hear Kat and Mary debating how I should handle things.

Kat says, “I think she should be mean when she first answers the door, then look upset, then be sad. You know? To make him feel extra bad?” She calls out to me, “Lil, do you think you could squeeze out a few tears?”

And then Mary says, “You don’t think she should forgive him right away? We don’t want her fighting with him anymore.”

Quietly I say, more to myself than anyone, “I think I just want to get this over with.”

When I come out of the bathroom, Kat and Mary are already downstairs hiding in the foyer. They’re crouching behind a chaise longue. “Guys, what if he tries to come all the way inside?” I say, pulling on a hoodie. “He’ll see you.”

“But we want to hear everything,” Kat whines. “Don’t let him past the front door and it’ll be fine.”

“I’m nervous,” I say, putting my hands on my cheeks. My hands are cold but my cheeks are burning up.

“Don’t be,” Mary says. “You’ve been perfect so far.”

The doorbell rings, and my stomach drops. “Damn, did he fly over here?” Kat whispers.

I look at Mary for reassurance, and she nods at me encouragingly. I answer the door.

Reeve’s standing there in jeans and a button-down and a puffy vest. “Why aren’t you dressed?” he demands, jamming his hands into his jeans pockets.

“I told you, I overslept,” I say. I let my hair fall in my face.

“Yeah, I know. I heard you on the phone. What did you mean when you said you weren’t feeling it?” He looks genuinely disappointed, which throws me off for a second.

“I didn’t even know if I was still invited,” I say.

His eyebrows knit together. “Why?”

Is he being dense on purpose? “You never came back the other night.”

Reeve lets out a breath. “But I told you, I had to help Rennie get home! You saw how drunk she was.”

“Oh, please. Rennie was playing you, and you let her.”

“I couldn’t just leave, Cho. She woke up her mom to say hi to me, and then they dragged out all these old photo albums of us when we were kids.”

He’s telling the truth, I can tell. And it does sound like something Rennie would do, especially knowing that I was sitting at home waiting for him. I brush this thought aside and in a bored, blasé voice I say, “Whatever.”

Tightly he says, “Ren means a lot to me. She’s been there for me every time I’ve ever needed her. I don’t want her to get hurt. You of all people should get that.”

I cross my arms. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Lind! You’re always so concerned about his feelings.”

How dare he throw Alex in my face? “Yeah, I am concerned about Alex’s feelings. I care about him, because he’s my friend. He’s been there for me every time I’ve needed him. That’s the kind of person he is. He’s good.”

Reeve stiffens and I feel a surge of satisfaction. Be jealous. I hope you choke on it.

I keep going. “And yet I was still willing to let Alex know that we were together at my party. Despite knowing it would hurt him, I was willing to do it. Unlike you. You talk a big game, Reeve, but when it comes down to actually doing something, you punk out.”

“I didn’t punk out! But I didn’t want to throw it in their faces!”

“You mean you didn’t want to throw it in Rennie’s face. Since she’s your girl and all.”

Reeve shakes his head and exhales loudly. “That’s not what I’m saying and you know it!” He looks away. “Can you just . . . can you go get dressed and come with me and we’ll talk about it later? My mom’s expecting you.”

My heart plummets. Oh God. His mom? All I want to do is run upstairs and put on something nice and go with him. If Kat and Mary weren’t standing on the other side of this door, maybe I would.

But I can’t. They’re here, and this is fake and I just can’t.

“I don’t think so,” I say, lifting my chin high. “Honestly, I don’t feel like coming over and doing the whole family thing today. We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend or anything.”

He pales. “Are you serious? Come on, Cho. If you want me to, I’ll call Rennie right now and tell her how I feel about you.”

“That’s not necessary.” I start to close the door in his face, but he reaches out and blocks it with his arm.

“Wait! You’re right. I was a coward. I should have been the one to tell her weeks ago. I got scared, Lillia. Please, give me another chance. Let me prove it to you.” He tries to grab my hand but I shake my head. I can’t even look at him.

I know what Kat and Mary want me to do. Act like I forgive him, draw it out a little while longer like we planned. But I can’t. Because this is real. He’s not playing me. One look at his face, at the hurt and the desperation in his eyes, and I know it’s real.

I also know that I can’t do this anymore. I have to finish it now. If I don’t break it off right this very second, I’ll never be able to do it. It’s better this way—it really is. The longer this thing goes, the harder it will be, for everybody. It’s already gone way too far.

I’ve fallen for the one person I shouldn’t have. For the boy who broke Mary’s heart. For Rennie’s one true love. For Alex’s best friend.

It has to end here. Now.

“You’ve already proven who you are, over and over again. The crazy thing is, I’ve known it all along. But these last few weeks, I’ve tricked myself into believing that there was something more to you than the self-centered jerk I’ve known for years. Maybe . . . maybe because I felt sorry for you.” I shake my head. “But you are who you are, Reeve. And the fact is, you’ll never be able to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. You don’t have it in you. So let’s just stop here. You’re probably as tired of pretending to be a good guy as I am of pretending to believe it.”

The words come out of my mouth, but they don’t sound like me. I don’t sound like me. Probably because I know it’s all lies.

But I can see that they’re lies that Reeve believes. He swallows them whole. His eyes go blank. Empty. He completely shuts down.

That’s what hurts me the most, how easily he believes, and I know it’s because deep down it’s what he believes about himself. I’ve preyed upon his deepest fear and used it against him, and I think that’s maybe the biggest betrayal yet.

Still, some part of me is expecting him to fight back, to tell me I’m wrong. Because, the Reeve Tabatsky I know never gives up. But I’m hoping this time he will.

Leave, just leave.

And that’s exactly what he does. Without another word, he turns around, walks to his truck, and drives away.