“Say what?”

Her jaw tightens and her eyes narrow. “Say it, Ty,” she says through clenched teeth. She’s mad and I have no idea why.

My vision loses focus as I stare at her—wondering what the hell is happening right now. I clear my throat. “Becky Schultz came back once everyone had left, she said she forgot her phone and we ended up fooling around. I lost my virginity to her that night.”

She sniffs once and tries to cover her sob with a laugh. Then she wipes her cheeks with the back of her hand, but she still won't look at me. “What's going—”

“After Jack drove me home…” she trails off.

I look back at the sky, hoping to God she doesn't say what I think she's going to because if he hurt her…

“I walked back to your house.”

“What?”

“I'd finally worked up the courage to tell you something that night. But throughout the night, the timing was all off and I could never pull you away for long enough to tell you—”

“Tell me what, Al?”

She continues as if she didn't hear me. “But I needed to tell you because I'd gone years holding it in, keeping it a secret.” She takes another drink, and then inhales a sharp breath. Her words are rushed when she adds, “I wanted to tell you that I was in love with you, Tyler. That I had been for longer than I could remember.” She pauses a beat, attempting to control her emotions. “I knocked on your door for a good fifteen minutes and you didn't answer. Then I saw a light on in your room so I climbed the tree next to your house like I'd done so many times before. Only you weren't alone and I had to see it,” she breaks off in a sob.

A sob that leaves me completely broken and devastated.

My mouth opens. Nothing comes out. Because it's too damn late to say anything. To fix anything.

“So I walked back home, the entire time I cursed myself for loving a boy that didn't love me back.”

“Allie…”

“I was seventeen and I was heartbroken and you'd been my world for so long that I didn't even know…”

“Allie, what happened?”

“I was so stupid,” she whispers, but she's talking to herself. “It just hurt so much, and it felt like my life was over. I was young. And I was stupid. And I got to my house and I…”

“You what?”

“I raided the liquor cabinet…”

“Okay?”

“…And then I sat on my desk and I wrote you a letter—to tell you that I hated you. Then I drank, way too much, way too quickly. And I thought it would be a good idea to go to Jack Watson’s house and try to seduce him into taking my virginity. Because I thought it would be like a fuck you to you...”

“Jesus Christ, Allie, what did he do?”

“I went to my bathroom and got a razor to shave my legs,” she continues, not bothering to answer me. “...and I was shaving my legs and I remember being able to smell the booze on my breath so I went and grabbed some mints and I don’t even know what happened next. I guess I passed out because that’s how Robbie found me—my hand cut from the razor, the mints spilled out on the floor mixed with my vomit...I guess he panicked and woke everyone up and they all thought I’d tried to kill myself. I guess Robbie finding the hate letter I wrote you didn’t help.”

I turn to her now, concerned and confused as all fuck. “Can you please look at me?”

“I just wanted to get drunk and forget what I’d seen earlier and how it made me feel. I was just a teenage girl experiencing heartache. It wasn’t a big deal.” She shakes her head. “But my dad and brothers asked that I go somewhere for psychological treatment and I agreed. Not because I wanted to, but because it was better than facing you. That's how pathetic I was.”

“Allie, you're not—”

“Robbie and Cooper—they begged me not to see you again. They wanted me to change schools and cut off all ties with you. But I spent two weeks getting help and listening to other people's stories and mine just seemed so stupid. So what if you didn't love me? It wasn't the end of the world. I got back and I wanted to be stronger. For you and me. And I wanted our friendship. Because I'd rather have a little of you than nothing at all.” Her gaze drops to her lap. “So I tried, Tyler. I tried to be your best friend—while you were dating girls, I tried to date, too. I tried to feel the same connection with someone, anyone, that I felt with you, but I couldn't. I still can’t. And I know it's me. I know that I push people away because I’m afraid of that feeling. And I just can't do it anymore.” She cries and finally turns to me. Her eyes widen slightly when she sees my face. She wipes the tears from my cheeks I didn’t know were there. She keeps her hands on my face and holds her breath. I stopped breathing a long time ago. “I wanted to come here this weekend and spend some time with you before—”

“Allie, stop!” I cover her hands with mine and press them firmer against my face. “Whatever you're going to say, don't. Please.”

“I'm glad we had today, Tyler. I'm happy to have so many of these memories with you. But I just can't keep living with this ache in my chest. Because I still love you. And you still don't.”

But I do, I want to say. But I can’t. Because she’s already made her choice. She wants to move on. I want her to stay.