PROLOGUE

 

Ellie seven years old…..

I stood crying against the wall. Mommy was acting weird again and it was scaring me. This is how she acts when she drinks the bad stuff that Jefferson calls beer. I just want to run and get away before she sees me again and yells. She said she was going to make me cookies and that we would go to the park to swing on the swings. I was so happy thinking about how much fun we would have.

Mommy had been mad ever since her friend called. She told me we were not going to the park today because she was feeling sad and needed a drink.

“You would not have fun at the park Ellie anyway.” But I knew I would especially because I loved the swings at school. I wish Jefferson was home; my tummy hurts so bad and I’m so hungry.

Then she screamed out my name…. “Ellie!” I jumped and quickly wiped the tears away. If she saw me crying she would just get mad at me again. I walked up to her very slowly.

She was sitting at the kitchen table with her face in her hands. “Y, yes Mommy?” She looked up at me and frowned. I know who she is thinking of when she looks at me that way. She tells me all the time I have his eyes. Jefferson says my eyes are like the blue like the sky.

Mommy has pretty dark brown hair. My hair is much lighter than mommy’s. Jefferson likes to brush my hair and always tells me how pretty I am and that I am a princess. He said some day my prince will come and save me and take me away from this bad place. Mommy never tells me I am pretty, she just tells me I look like my daddy. She hates my daddy.

”Ellie, Ellie, Ellie” she said her Ls really funny, like she was having a hard time saying them.

“Do you know that you will never be wanted? No one will ever love you, just like I have never been loved. No man will ever really want you. You need to know that now. I wish someone would have told me that, f**k it would have saved me a lot of pain.”

Mommy was still talking funny. Did she not want me anymore?

“Mommy, I’m sorry for whatever I did. Please don’t be mad at me. Please want me mommy!” I cried out. She just started to laugh and then she put her head back in her hands and told me to get out of her sight. I had a funny feeling in my chest and my tummy. Why was it so hard for me to breathe? I walked over to the corner in the kitchen and sat down.

When will Jefferson get home? I just want Jefferson……I need Jefferson.

“You will never be wanted by anyone……remember that Ellie darlin’, remember that”……

Nine years later……

Bryce had brought me to my favorite pizza shop for my sixteenth birthday. I was so excited. We’d been dating for four months now and he was just so sweet, he only ever kissed me and never tried to take it further which was so nice. He said he loved how innocent I was.

While we waited on our pizza I excused myself and went to the restroom. I was standing at the sink when a girl with beautiful blonde hair walked in. I recognized her from school. I think she was in eleventh grade like Bryce.

I smiled as she walked up to me but she gave me a sad smile in return.

“Ellie Johnson right?”

“Yes, I’m sorry, I recognize you but I can’t place your name.”

“That’s okay; I wouldn’t really expect you to know who I am Ellie. My name is Denise Watkins.”

Oh, I’ve heard of this girl. Ari said she was easy and that every guy with a working penis had f**ked her.

“Ellie, I really like you. I like how sweet and kind you are to everyone. I wish I could be more like you.”

WHAT? Where the hell is this coming from?

“Um, thank you Denise that’s very sweet of you to say that.”

“Ellie, I am going to cut to the chase here. Do you know where Bryce was last night? I only ask because I think you deserve the truth.”

I shook my head yes. I had a very bad feeling about where this was going.

My mother’s words popped into my head.

You will never be wanted by anyone……..

“Yes, he was um, he was at a study group at Melissa’s house last night.”

Denise looked sad. Her eyes filled with tears and she looked away from me.

“No he wasn’t Ellie.”

“How do you know that?”

She lowered her head and I could see the tears falling from her eyes. Oh holy hell.

“I know because he was f**king me in the backseat of his car last night.”

I just stood there….stunned. I couldn’t believe it. No, this was not happening to me. I thought he was different!

Oh my god……I felt like I was going to be sick.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I didn’t want to tell you but I really like you and you are so innocent and that f**ker does not deserve to have you on his arm like some trophy while he is going behind your back and f**king everything with a p**sy. I’m sorry Ellie. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I hope that you can forgive me some day.”

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I looked her right in the eyes and I could see how embarrassed and disgraced she was.

“Thank you Denise for telling me, I really do appreciate it.”

I tried to get composed before I turned and walked out of the bathroom. As I walked back up the table where Bryce was sitting he had the nerve to smile and wink at me. He must have seen Denise come out of the bathroom behind me because his face fell for a second.

I walked right up to him and gave him my best smile.

“Hey Ellie, is something, um wrong?”

“Nope….just realized something though Bryce.”

He looked around as if he was looking for Denise….or maybe he was looking for a way out.

“Ahhh, what’s that Ells?”

I reached down and picked up a piece of pizza and took a bite of it and then looked at his nice white t-shirt and smiled.

“I realized that you are nothing but a cheating bastard!” I slammed the pizza right into his chest and then picked up his root beer and dumped it over his head.

As I walked away from Bryce I made a mental note to have Jefferson kick his ass.

I was never going to date again!

CHAPTER ONE

Ellie………

Two Years later………

Two days before I was set to graduate and here I stood against my locker in a state of shock. People were walking by and going to class, not knowing the hell I was going through or at least not caring.

Memories of what my mother said to me when I was seven had to come back to me right at that moment.

My whole body started to shake.

Why? I wanted to just scream out as loud as I could WHY?

Maybe my mother was right; no man would ever want me or would ever truly love me. I needed to just give up on them for good.

I just wanted Jefferson, when would he get here? I had to tell him what happened or he will know something is wrong the moment he sees my teary red eyes. Jefferson will know what to do to take away this pain before I have to go home and face my mother. I can never let her know what happened. She will never let me forget this just like she always brings up Bryce. God, I was having a problem getting air in my lungs. I just needed Jefferson.

Jefferson is my older brother by three years. He has been the only person in my life to be there for me. He was going to the University of Texas and studying Architectural Engineering. He worked his ass off in school to get perfect grades and of course he kicked ass on the football field as well. He received a scholarship to play football at the University of Texas. He could have gone anywhere, but he stayed in Austin to help take care of my mother and me.

He would not leave me all alone to deal with her. He is all I have in this world.

My father left when I was three. He came back to see us only once after he left. It was right after Jefferson got his scholarship to UT. He showed up on our door step acting like a proud father. I thought Jefferson was going to beat the shit out of him. He only stayed long enough to give Jefferson and me part of an inheritance from a grandmother neither of us remembered. He also caused our mother to go into another drunken fest and lose another job.

Jefferson made me put the money away for college and he bought his truck and paid off what was owed on our mother’s house. My mother is nothing but a drunk who half the time does not even know she has two kids. I’m nothing but a reminder of the man who left her alone and unwanted. She would tell me how much I looked like him when I was younger. Her hatred for him drives her to drink away her problems, or at least she attempts to drink them away.

Jefferson is another reminder of our father but my mother pretty much just ignores him more than she does me. As long as he puts money in her account each month for her alcohol she is happy. Jefferson has worked since he was fourteen to help keep food on our table. I stopped counting how many jobs my mother has had in the last ten years. Sometimes she would be gone for days at a time which was fine by us. How Jefferson managed to work, study and get to football practice all the while taking care of his baby sister I will never know.

I love my brother so much for all that he does, even for our mom. Jefferson is the only person in my life who has been there for me.

I only needed two people in my life…….. Jefferson and Ryan……. Well shit……at least up until thirty minutes ago I thought the only two people I needed in my life were Jefferson and Ryan. Ryan has been my boyfriend for the last eight months; pretty much all of my senior year has been spent with him…….. what a f**king waste.

I guess I should say he was my boyfriend. That f**ker! My body started to shake again as the image came back into my mind. I felt the tears threaten to come again. No! I was not going to cry over him anymore.

I had gotten a text message from Ryan asking me to meet him in the auditorium during sixth period. I was an office monitor and it was not uncommon for me to meet him during sixth period before he left campus for the day. I could have sworn he told me he was leaving right after fifth.

Today something was different and I knew it the moment I walked through the door of the auditorium. I heard moans coming from behind the stage. I slowly walked up and found Ryan behind the stage hav**g s*x with Jessica Harris. I thought I was going to throw up. I stood there like an idiot watching them for probably a good minute before my brain started to work again.

I finally was able to turn myself away from one of the worst moments in my life only to walk into a prop for the stupid Wizard of Oz play the drama class was putting on tonight. It made a loud crash as it hit the floor and I turned just in time to see Ryan look up at me with a stunned look on his face and to see Jessica give me the most evil smile I had ever seen. I mean really…that bitch could throw daggers at her mother while singing a Disney song. At that moment I knew this was all her doing, she set it up for me to be here and see this.

I turned and jumped over the prop to run out the door. All I knew was that I could hardly breathe and I really needed to get out of there and fast. I heard the bastard calling out for me.

“Let me explain! Ellie! PLEASE let me explain!” he kept yelling out. Really…how could he possible explain why he was hav**g s*x with the one girl in school who hated my guts?

Ever since Ryan asked me to the fall dance Jessica has made it her mission in life to hate me and take Ryan away. With her perfect blonde hair, blue eyes and daddy’s money, she wanted for nothing and got almost everything she wanted. I guess she accomplished her mission of take Ryan from me.