I CAN’T CLOSE MY EYES . . . I refuse to. Every time I do, all I see is blood, death, and pain. I can feel it—almost taste it.

It doesn't matter that I'm still breathing; I no longer need it, I no longer want it. I despise it along with everything else around me.

The only thing I long for is to fucking fade away and pretend as if I’m not standing here covered in blood; crimson fucking red from head to toe, with my heart pounding so viciously that my chest feels as if it’s going to burst the fuck open.

My lungs burn as I inhale another long drag from the cigarette I’ve been holding. The smoke fills my lungs, expanding them and sending a cooling sensation throughout my shaking body. I long for some kind of relief, but it fucking brings none. I take another drag anyways, waiting for what’s to come next. I know what’s coming, because I called them: red and blue flashing lights.

I stand frozen in the window, numbly watching as they grow near, the sounds of sirens getting louder with each passing second.

Taking one last drag, I toss the cigarette at the glass and turn away. I could care less if this motherfucker burns down. There’s nothing left here for me. Not anymore.

My body starts moving, mindlessly checked out and lost somewhere in this never ending nightmare of my world at its end. I feel the hatred start to build, the animosity of the night overwhelming me.

I bring my blood-covered hands up to rub my face as I growl out, releasing some of my pent up anger. I growl out until my throat feels raw, but just like the cigarette it does shit to relieve this pain that is slowly killing me.

I walk slowly and in a daze, passing three breathless bodies before I stop in front of . . . her. Blood covers her blonde hair and her once pink, plump lips are now ice fucking blue. I reach over to pull her into my arms, feeling my heart die a little more with each breath that she doesn’t take.

That’s when the door flies open and I hear them piling in. Heavy footsteps take over until that’s all I can hear, besides the erratic beating of my dead fucking heart.

A buzzing fills my ears, my heartbeat speeds up at an uncontrollable rate, and all I see is red as I’m yanked to my feet, two officers fighting to restrain me. I don’t care if they fucking take me away. I will rot in fucking hell for her, but I’m not done saying goodbye yet.

I feel the cuffs snap around my wrists, hard; too fucking hard. My hands may not be free, but that won’t stop me. Rotating my shoulders, I swing my head back as hard as I can, slamming it into a nose that I hear crack. That shit is broken. I know that for sure, and so does he by the way he curses and steps away to hold his bleeding nose.

Another set of hands attempt to grab me from behind as I make my way down to the ground, on my knees, burying my face into her lifeless neck. I kiss it gently for the last time, before my head is yanked backwards and I’m torn away from her. I’m pushed down to my face and a knee digs into my neck.

This is where my world ends. This is where I stop wanting to live. This is where I lose her . . .

Twenty months later . . .

I LOOK MYSELF OVER IN the full-length mirror one more time before turning to Madison and gesturing to my outfit. It’s a black form fitting skirt that stops just below my ass, paired off with a low cut silver blouse and black stiletto boots. It’s been sitting in my closest since I bought it over a year ago.

“There. You happy I squeezed my huge ass into this just for you?” She nods and rubs her hands together, showing her excitement. “Yeah, you better damn well be, Madi. My plan was to own this sexy getup but never ever wear it. You just ruined that for me and I have a feeling that if I bend in any way, my ass is going to rip right through this stupid, overpriced fabric.”

“Oh, shush it.” Madison bumps me out of the view of the mirror so she can get a look at herself. Her strawberry blonde curls are pulled up into a loose ponytail and her curvy body is wrapped in a little black dress, hugging her perfectly. She’s stunning in it. Apparently, every girl should own one. I don’t, but whatever.

“That’s what I’m here for, Ava; to ruin your plans, because frankly they all suck ass and involve boring shit lately. Oh, and by the way, your ass looks fantastic in that skirt. There’s nothing wrong with a voluptuous ass. If I were a dude, I’d be all over it, trying to bite it. Just saying.” She smacks her red lips together and grabs for her little, red handbag. “Let’s go. The cab is waiting.”

“Yes, Master Madi,” I tease as I shove my phone into my purse and switch off the light on my way out the door behind her.

Apparently Jax, this guy I’ve never met, has this huge, all out party at his house once every month, and finally I have let Madison talk me into going. I work long hours at Stylin’—the hair salon I work at, and by the time I get home the last thing I’m worried about is partying it up and getting wasted out of my mind.

We’re in the cab for about twenty minutes before we pull into what seems like a mile-long driveway. I look at Madison, who seems giddy as can be and then back beside me out the window. It’s already dark, so there’s not really much that I can see besides trees, bushes, and statues. I can tell that it’s beautiful though, and well kempt. Whoever owns this place pays good money to keep it looking nice.

“Look, if we don’t pull up at this house in the next two seconds I’m tapping out. Seriously, who needs a whole block as their driveway? It’s insane. Maybe we should just go to Flynn’s, get some beer, and play some pool instead.”

Madison grins like a maniac as we pull up in front of what looks like a fucking brick mansion. It’s insanely huge. Okay, so I may be exaggerating a bit, but it still looks like three of our houses put into one. It’s lit up by some kind of blue lighting in the front and has a huge fountain off to the right side of the door that people are standing around, with drinks in hand. There’s at least a hundred or more cars and motorcycles parked in various spots in front of the house.

“I need a drink and fast. Our boss is a grade-A-bitch and I still want to choke her over what happened this morning. Fucking old, stuck up cunt.” She tosses the elderly cab driver a twenty-dollar bill, blows him a kiss, and gets out of the cab. I shake my head at the guy and hurry out of the cab as he looks me up and down and wiggles his bushy eyebrows.

Trying not to fall, I jog up the pathway to catch up with Madison. “Nice, Madi. I think Old Man River just ejaculated on himself while looking at my tits.” I shake in disgust and let out a small breath to calm myself. “If we get stuck with him when we leave, my ass is walking.”