I held her eyes and settled in for the “I told you so’s”.

I was not disappointed.

“And I gotta tell you, I knew somethin’ was not right with that Jake slash Brock slash whoever-the-fuck.”

I pressed my lips together.

“And I gotta tell you, I cannot believe you did not share any of this shit with me.”

I bit my lip.

“Now, what I wanna know is, how is he back?”

I released my lip only for both to slide to the side. Martha’s eyes narrowed.

I decided, since I’d kept so much for her, and I really shouldn’t have, that it was the right thing to do to answer.

“He stopped by today to explain,” I said quietly.

“Yeah? And what’d he say?”

“Um… well, he was, uh… well…”

I petered out.

“Oh boy,” Gwen whispered.

I started talking again when Martha got a look like her head was about to explode.

“He wants us to talk stuff out and see where we are.”

“Where you are?” Martha whispered and I shrugged even though I knew that was not my best play. “Okay, where are you?” she asked.

“He’s coming over tonight at nine,” I informed her and she rolled her eyes to the heavens.

“Oh boy,” Gwen and Camille said in unison.

I took in another breath.

Martha rolled her eyes back to me. “Don’t do this,” she said softly.

“Martha –”

She shook her head. “I’m tellin’ you, Tess. Do not do this.”

“I –”

She grabbed my arm. “Listen to me, okay, seriously, open your ears for once and listen to me. This guy is bad news. Bad news. Okay, so he’s not up his own ass dickhead bad news like I thought. Instead he’s a cop-like, up his own ass dickhead who played you. Just because he’s on the right side of the law even though I thought he was on the wrong side doesn’t mean he’s right for you.”

“Honey –”

She shook my arm and shook her head.

“Listen to me, Tess, ” she hissed. “I do not get why you live your life with your head buried in the sand but I love you and that’s you so okay, you do. But because you do it’s my job to look out for you when you’re buried and right now, I’m looking out for you. You are beautiful. You are so sweet, damn, honey, too sweet. I love that about you. Everyone loves that about you. You’re forty-three years old, you had a rotten marriage to the king of all ass**les who’s finally proven he’s truly the king of all ass**les and you’re still naïve and innocent and that’s cute. It is. Trust me. Guys think so too. But that makes you a mark for players out there and you’ve managed to steer clear because life scares the f**kin’ beejeezus out of you and now when you take the leap it’s with someone who is not good for you.

Someone who is not good for any woman. Someone that any woman who’s not got her head in the sand would take one look at, know was fun to play with and then move the f**k on.

Not you. You have visions of white picket fences and making him extravagant birthday cakes until he dies. He started this shit with you as his mark and I know why he’s back, because you’re naïve and innocent and he thinks it’s cute. But he’s going to chew you up, Tess, chew you up and spit you out. He already has and girl, my sweet girl, you gotta pull your head outta the sand and see him for what he is and that he’s gonna do it again.”

“Mm hmm,” Elvira muttered and I turned my eyes to her.

Then I said what I knew to this group would sound stupid, “You all don’t know him.”

“Uh… sorry to say, but we do,” Gwen said quietly and I turned surprised eyes to her.

“You do?” I asked.

“Well I do. It was awhile ago but… uh…” She looked at Elvira then back at me. “He was… my man is in the business and there was a situation where I got involved and Lucas was also involved. He was undercover then too and…” She paused, pulled in a soft breath and finished softly, “Sorry, Tess, he was also with a girl during that operation. Her name was Darla and she was a skank, total skank, total bad news skank but he was pretending to be with her while actually being with her in order to take down the bad guy. It’s cool he’s committed to his job but Brock Lucas is known by all to be seriously committed to his job. ”

I stared at her and I knew what she was saying.

I knew exactly what she was saying.

That thing tight in my belly started unfurling again, hissing, bearing its fangs, preparing to strike.

Damn.

I had to get out of there and get it under control before it choked me or worse, poisoned me.

“I’ve gotta go,” I whispered, stepping away from the table.

Martha’s hand still on me tightened. “No, honey.”

I pulled carefully free and took another step back as I felt all their eyes soft on me. “I’ve gotta go,” I repeated.

“Not thinkin’ that’s a good idea, hon,” Elvira said gently.

I looked to Martha and whispered, “I’ll call you later.”

“Tess, honey –” she started to whisper back but I turned and hightailed it through the door.

Then I caught Ada and told her I had a headache.

Then I grabbed my purse and went out to my car.

Then I hoped Elvira, Gwen, Camille or Tracy would drop Martha at my place to pick up her car.

Then I stupid, stupid, stupidly stopped by the store and bought a six-pack of Bud in bottles, Brock’s preference, on the way home.

Chapter Five

The Light of a Warm, Sunny Day

I stared at myself in the mirror of my bathroom.

I now did this a lot. Ever since I came back from the Police Station after catching sight of myself in the one-way mirror, I did it. Looking at myself for the first time… no… actually examining myself for the first time in my whole life.

Martha was a little right but mostly she was wrong.

The last three months hadn’t been about building a Tessa O’Hara who, if Jake slash Brock saw her again, he would think, “Whoa, shit, I f**ked up screwing over that. ”

It had been about finding out who I was.

No, not even that.

It had been about not being who I was becoming.

The day after I got interrogated by a member of a multi-agency task force regarding my ex-husband’s criminal exploits, I looked in the mirror, examined myself and came to the uneasy knowledge that I had no f**king clue who I was, no clue where I was going and no clue who I wanted to be.