I felt it too.

But I saw it in Toby’s face.

OhGodohGodohGod.

Oh my fucking God.

“Please come here,” he said quietly.

As fast as I could, I went there.

His arm came around me, my arms went around him, and we crushed Brooks between us.

Brooks patted both of us where he could reach and started fretting more.

“Are you okay?” Toby asked.

“Are you okay?” I asked back.

“Not by a long fucking shot.”

“Oh, honey,” I breathed out.

“Mama,” Brooklyn said.

I took my boy from Toby, snuffled his neck, breathing him in, holding him close.

Toby wrapped his other arm around me.

“Safari dinner’s off,” he said.

I pulled my face out of Brooks’s neck and looked up at him.

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Iz and Johnny are spending the night.”

Loved ones close.

Their first Christmas together, my sister and her man couldn’t wake up in their own place, with their own tree, make love, exchange intimate presents and then come over, like I suspected they’d planned to do.

That sucked.

But loved ones close in times like these.

Johnny cleared his throat and we broke apart.

Izzy was right there, handing me a glass of wine.

“We made the spinach puffs anyway,” she said. “I’ll put them in in a bit.”

I nodded.

Looked to Johnny.

He knew what I wanted because he gave it to me without me asking.

“It isn’t good, darlin’,” he said gently. “She’s been doin’ chemo now for weeks. It isn’t working. She starts radiation after Christmas. It’s the kind that’s so intense, she can never have radiation again. They still don’t have good thoughts.”

I wanted to . . .

I wanted to . . .

I wanted to have my mother’s iron will and stand strong.

But I couldn’t.

I folded.

Setting my wine down on the coffee table with a rattle, ass to the couch, gripping my baby boy to me.

He started squirming, making noises like he was going to start crying, and I found him gently tugged away by Johnny, but I was tugged into arms that belonged to Toby.

I turned into them.

“I should be . . . should be comforting you,” I said.

“You are, lovin’ her this much.”

I pulled away and lifted my hands to his face, stroking them back, again and again, like I was shoving his hair away when a thick hank had fallen to one side, probably from him running his fingers through it, but the rest of it was still holding.

God, he was so handsome.

Beautiful.

Perfect.

I stared into his eyes.

And in pain.

“Go up. Shower if you want. Change. We’ll get some food. Put some music on. Maybe watch a movie or something. Margot wants us over there for dinner tomorrow. So pretty much all plans have changed,” Tobe shared with me.

I nodded.

He brushed his mouth to mine.

I pulled my shit together.

I got up.

I went to Johnny and gave him a big hug.

He hugged me big back.

I went to Iz, who now had Brooks, holding her beloved nephew snug against her.

I kissed my baby boy’s head, my sister’s cheek.

Then I grabbed my wineglass, saw my dog for the first time and called him to me.

He came up, snuffling the hand I held to him.

I let him do that before I scratched his ears and whispered, “Come up and keep me company, boy. Yeah?”

He licked my hand.

And of course, followed me out of the room.

At that point, I wondered where my purse was.

And when I did, I was desperate to find it.

I looked right after I left the family room and saw I’d dropped it unnoticed on the floor by the door.

Dapper Dan and I retrieved it.

We walked upstairs to my room.

I closed us in.

I set my wineglass on the nightstand, and still wearing my coat and grocery store smock, I sat on the side of my bed, dug out my phone, and my dog sat beside me, leaning against my leg.

I rubbed his neck and called Margot.

She answered.

“Adeline, my beautiful girl—”

I cut her off and whispered fiercely, “I love you. And once I wrap my head around what’s happening to you, I’m going to take care of your boy. He’ll be able to lean on me. I’ll look after him, Margot. I swear. I’ll take good care of him. You don’t have to worry. I’ve got him.”

“All right, Adeline,” she whispered back.

“He hasn’t asked me yet, but he will, and I want to start planning my wedding right now. I want it sorted. I want it to be exactly what you’d want for Toby. Can we work on that after Christmas?”

“Yes, child, absolutely.”

“God had a hand, Margot, you were right. He gave them to you to raise for us and He gave us to Mom to raise for them. And He gave you to us so we could have you after she was gone.”

She said nothing but I heard her breath hitch.

“Let you go. Love you and try to enjoy tonight. See you tomorrow.”

Her voice was husky when she replied, “Yes. Tomorrow, Adeline. Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Margot.”

I let her go immediately because she’d want it that way.

And I really wanted to dissolve into tears.

But this was not about me.

This was about Margot. Dave. Toby. Johnny.

So I got off my ass, pulled off that fucking smock and went into the bathroom to take a shower.

 

Johnny

“Addie, what?”

Feeling Izzy stir against him, hearing her, Johnny opened his eyes.

“Get Johnny up, I’m getting Toby. Come out back,” Addie whispered.

He saw her shadow by the side of the bed.

That was all Addie said before she moved to the door.

His woman turned to him. “You awake?”

“Yeah, what time is it?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “Come on. Get up. Put on a sweater and socks. I think we probably need to be warm.”

“Baby—”

“Just, please.”

Johnny did as she asked, rolling over her to do it so he could pull her out of bed with him.

They were in the guest room. The bed that Iz left was still in there. That night, Brooks was in a portable crib with Toby and Addie. With Brooklyn’s furniture in there as well, it was a tight squeeze.

He maneuvered around the furniture. Put on a sweater. Some thick socks Iz had packed for him to wear Christmas morning since Addie kept her furnace low.

She took his hand and he walked with her to the linen closet in the hall where she grabbed a blanket.

He took the blanket from her, and holding hands they moved downstairs, through the hall, the kitchen, the back porch, but he tugged on her hand when they got outside to stop her.

All was dark.

Except two blankets were laid on the snow side by side over a tarp, all of this surrounded by glowing candles.

Toby was standing in the middle of one, dressed just like Johnny, also holding a blanket over his arm, scrubbing his hand over the top of his head.

“We did this,” Izzy whispered. “With Mom. Before it got too bad. We did this all the time.”