Violet screams and hides behind me. “What the fuck are those?” She points from her place over my shoulder.

“You mean these, or this?” My mom holds up two separate items, both of which are equally freaky.

Violet makes a gagging sound from behind me. “Either, both? Is that real?”

“These are Ben Wa balls, and this a Spidergasm. They’re prototypes for this year’s Halloween Dominatrix party in Vegas! Fun, aren’t they?”

That’s not quite the way I would describe them. The Ben Wa balls—weighted balls that hang out in your vag for pre-sex stimulation—look like actual eyeballs, the kind you find on those creepy dolls, and the Spidergasm looks like a black widow spider.

Violet shudders. “So fun. Can we put those away now?”

“Are you afraid of spiders? This might help you get over your fear.”

“I’m fine. It’s okay.” Violet uses me as a shield.

“No really, you should try it out.”

“I can do it.” Lily steps forward.

We all look at her like maybe she’s lost her mind, but she smiles and holds her hand palm up.

“Okay. So imagine this is your clitoris.” My mom turns on her sexy Dominatrix voice and runs one of her talon nails along the length of Lily’s middle finger.

Lily shivers, but nods, eyes darting questioningly to me. I can’t save her now.

My mom picks up the black widow and makes it pretend crawl across Lily’s palm and up her finger—yes, it’s creepy.

“And this little spider is about to fire off all eight thousand of those nerve endings!” My mom wraps the little spider around the end of Lily’s finger and taps the butt.

Lily shouts her surprise, and then her jaw clamps shut. “Does it . . . bite?”

“Yes! And it vibrates. Research tests are showing that it takes the average woman four minutes to achieve an orgasm through the Black Widow Spidergasm model. That’s one minute faster than their previous model.” My mom maintains her Dominatrix sex sales voice through the entire spiel.

“Huh. That’s—”

“—incredible, right?”

“This explains a lot,” Violet whispers in my ear, still clutching my shoulder.

“I know,” I mumble.

Thankfully my mom’s phone alarm chimes. She pulls her pouty face. “Duty calls. That’s too bad. I would’ve loved to chill with you girls tonight.” She grabs my arm. “I know! Maybe you and all your girlfriends would like to come to the convention tomorrow.”

“Convention?” Lily asks. The spider is still attached to her finger. She keeps pushing on its butt, increasing and then decreasing the vibrations.

“Sexapalooza! It’s a great convention. I can get you all free tickets since I’m a presenter.” She puffs out her chest, clearly proud of this accomplishment.

“Will there be more stuff like this?” Lily holds up her spider finger.

“Oh yes! If it has to do with sex, it’s there.” My mom roots around in her purse and pulls out a handful of tickets. “Char-char will fill you in. I must be on my way.” She kisses me on the cheek. “I’ll be back later. You girls have fun!”

And with that she’s out the door.

Sunny raises her hand as soon as she’s gone. “Um, what does your mom do for a living?”

Usually I say she’s in the entertainment business, which is kind of true. “She’s a Dominatrix.”

“So what does she do, exactly?” Sunny wraps her hair around her finger.

“Basically she bosses men around until they have an orgasm.” That’s not totally accurate, but for the sake of simplicity, it works.

“Oh.”

“I’m going to have a glass of wine. Anyone else feel like a glass of wine? Or some shots? We could do shots.”

Poppy helps with the wine, and Lily pours sparkling juice into champagne flutes so Sunny and Vi don’t feel left out. I do two shots of Patron, and Lily joins me, because shots.

Once we all have drinks, we head for the living room. Lily still has the black widow spider attached to her finger, so Violet sits as far away from her as she possibly can. The game has already started, but the score is still zero on both sides.

Lily’s only half paying attention, still fascinated with the clit-biting spider. “We’re going to the convention tomorrow, right? Randy’s been talking about lingerie shopping and ball gags so . . .”

“You’ll be able to get your very own ball gag there for sure. And lingerie.” I mean it to be snarky, but based on their expressions, I don’t think anyone takes it that way.

Violet raises a brow. “I can’t wait to see your mom in action. She makes mine look like a dream.”

“I think your mom is interesting,” Sunny offers.

“Will they have these at the sex show?” Lily wiggles her spider finger in the air.

“Probably, but you can have that one if you want it.”

“Really?” Her eyes light up. I know Lily and Randy get it on, like, every five minutes or whatever, but I didn’t realize they were into the freak-a-leak business. Or it’s possible Lily is just now discovering her inner freak. It’d be nice to have a friend who’s freakier than me. Violet believes Vagazzling makes her adventurous.

“Sure.” I gulp my wine. “But I should warn you, it’s probably been used.”

Lily’s elation deflates like a balloon. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, like once or something? Especially if it’s a prototype,” I explain.

“Prototype?”

“Yeah. Sometimes my mom tests out products before they hit the market.”

“So your mom might’ve used this?” Lily peels it off her finger and drops it on the coffee table.

“Uh, it’s possible? I mean, it could’ve come out of the package, but I have no way of knowing, unless you want me to ask her.”

“That’s okay. If they have them at the sex show, I’ll buy one there.”

“I don’t think Miller would like that very much,” Sunny says, thoughtfully. “He’s not a fan of spiders.”

“Understandable, really.” Violet smiles behind her glass.

“Ever since he had his scrotum drained after that spider bite, he makes me get rid of all the eight-legged creatures. I don’t kill them, though. I always take them outside when he’s not looking.”

“Whoa, Miller had his—“ Poppy motions to her groin area. “—drained?”

“Oh my God! I forgot that was pre-Poppy days! So when Miller and I were still trying to figure things out, he went up to a Canadian hockey camp with Randy and they volunteered to train with the kids. It’s so sweet, and special, really. But Miller was bitten by a spider, and he had an allergic reaction.”

“His balls were the size of my boobs.” Violet motions to her girls.

“Well, not quite that big, but there’s a picture somewhere out there. They were very swollen. So he had to have them drained,” Sunny explains.

“That’s just . . . awful.”

“It was. Poor baby. Anyway. His balls are fine now, obviously.” Sunny pats her belly.

We half pay attention to the game while the girls exchange stories about the beginnings of their relationships. Which are a lot different than the way Darren and I started.

Chicago wins the first game. We all pick up our phones and send congratulatory messages that won’t be seen for a while yet. Half an hour later, phones chime around us with replies. Sunny excuses herself to take a call from Miller. Lily gets a message from Randy asking if she’s alone. Violet and Poppy both field short calls, and I sit with my phone in my hand, waiting for something, anything.

Eventually I get a message. It’s simple. Short. A thank you. I remind myself that Darren doesn’t engage in extensive texting, and any response is a good one. Most of the time it’s enough, but in this moment it makes me feel a little too different, like I don’t quite fit and maybe never will. I used to be fine with that. Tonight it makes my heart ache.

CHARLENE

The following afternoon, Lily picks me and Violet up at my place since she stayed the night.

I follow Violet outside and hit the lock button on the door—Darren didn’t feel my previous lock set was sufficient, so he had a keypad installed with a code and an alarm system. It’s another way I know he cares and wants to keep me safe. Although my neighborhood is pretty quiet. It’s mostly older couples and a few young families.

I start down the front walk and scream at the sight of a mini Winnebago—the kind one pulls behind a car—parked in my driveway. “Holy fuck!” I rush back to the door and punch the keypad, but I’m too frantic to get it right, so it squawks at me in protest.

“Oh shit—” Violet mutters. “I should’ve warned you, but I figured you already knew it was here.

I shield my eyes. “Where did that come from? Why is it here? Who’s in it?”

“I think it’s your mom’s?”

I stop freaking out. “What?”

“It was here when I came over yesterday, and the SUV it was hooked up to is gone, so it’s just a guess. But I’m thinking it’s a pretty solid one. Are you going to be okay?”

“What?” It feels a lot like I can’t breathe properly. “Oh. Oh yeah. I’m fine.”

“Should we go?”