“Okay, here’s the deal, Adler, I want to put my arm around you. Am I going to sustain bodily injury?” he asked.

“Are you putting it around my neck? If not, then you’re probably safe.”

“Just for the record, I’ve never felt the urge to spoon with anyone before.”

“Just for the record, I’m tired.” I felt him move over and lay behind me, draping his arm around my waist. I snuggled back against him. It was the nicest way I had ever fallen asleep.

Chapter Nine

Against all odds, I slept soundly. At some point, I was having a very vivid erotic dream about Adam. We were making love slowly, and I was enjoying the feeling of his warmth and his weight on top of me. Suddenly a buzzer went off in my dream and we both stopped moving and looked around in confusion. I couldn’t figure out where the sound was coming from, but I wanted it to stop. It wouldn’t stop, though, and little by little, I began to shed the layers of sleep as consciousness rose to the surface. I sensed pressure and movement against my body, and as my eyes fluttered open, I realized that I was sleeping on my back with Adam draped over me like a blanket, one arm and one leg encompassing me protectively and his weight partially resting on me.

“Adam?” I said sleepily. “What’s that sound?”

“Door buzzer,” he answered, groggily. Suddenly, something must have occurred to him, because he shot up in bed and grabbed a bedside clock. “Oh fuck!” He vaulted out of bed just as I heard voices in his living room calling him.

“Adam! Are you still asleep? Get up! We’re going to be late!”

“Is that your sister, Sarah?” I asked, stunned.

“It’s probably my whole f**king family,” he answered, looking panicked. “My cousin’s Bar Mitzvah is today and they were stopping by to pick me up.”

“Oh God. This is awkward.”

“It’s more than awkward. I’ve never had a woman stay over here before, let alone a nice well-educated Jewish girl from my neighborhood. They’re going to start planning our wedding.”

“Adam, don’t worry,” I answered, trying to sound reassuring. “I can just wait until …”

“Adam, do you have company?” It was another of his sisters, Abby, the one closest to us in age. She sounded both amazed and amused.

“I’ll be right out. I’m running late. Hold on!” He started searching frantically through a closet and pulled out one of his suits. “Quick! Get dressed!” he ordered.

“Adam, just go and …”

“Too late. Abby knows you well enough to recognize your voice and she’s not stupid. I think you’re my date for a Bar Mitzvah.”

I got up quickly and immediately found my clothes. Without even thinking I grabbed my bra, turned my back to him and pulled his T-shirt over my head, thus giving him a clear shot of my ass in my pretty pink silk and lace undies. I wasn’t sure if he was looking, though. I heard a groan. He was looking.

“Mind your own business,” I chided over my shoulder and got my bra hooked, grabbing a stocking and sitting down on a chair to put it on.

“Just tell me when it’s okay to look,” he said, sounding stressed.

“Okay,” I answered and he turned around, giving him a clear shot of me sitting in my bra and panties easing a thigh high stocking up my leg.

“Oh fuck,” he moaned, sounding miserable.

“What are you doing?” I demanded.

“You said okay.” His eyes were fixed on my legs and his appreciation was evident from across the room.

“I was acknowledging your request! Adam, you’ve got a, um, an issue,” I said, glancing down at the impressive bulge in his sweat pants.

“Oh shit, this isn’t happening,” he said, starting to pace.

“Adam, just get dressed and think about baseball or something,” I hissed.

“Adam, honey, it’s getting late.” It was his mom. Apparently, hearing your mom’s voice can work even better than thinking about baseball.

“We’re coming!” he called back.

“Did he say we?” his mom asked someone in a quieter voice.

“I knew he wasn’t alone!” Abby said. “I could swear I heard Lily Adler.” I felt my face turn crimson as I slid my dress over my head.

“Lily? Really?” His mom sounded like someone had just told her that she had won the Powerball drawing. I saw Adam roll his eyes.

“You have to admit, there is something kind of humorous about this,” I said, sliding on my heels while Adam tied his tie in the mirror.

“Yeah, for the first time in my life, I’m getting caught by my sisters and I didn’t even get laid. That’s just f**king hilarious. Where do you want to go on our honeymoon by the way?”

He gave his suit jacket a final tug and finger combed his hair. I grabbed my purse and ran over to the mirror beside him and quickly dug out some lipstick.

“I just have to throw some make-up on.”

“We don’t have time for that.”

“I’m an expert. Watch.” He stood there and watched with fascination as I managed to apply my make-up in three minutes flat.

“That was amazing. I will point out, though, that you look hot even without make-up.” I paused and looked at him, feeling inordinately pleased.

“Thank you,” I said and smiled. He smiled back and we shared a quick moment.

“We had better go.”

Adam threw open the door and I tried to not look like I was doing the walk of shame through his living room. He strode out of his bedroom like nothing was amiss and I followed apprehensively in his wake with a friendly smile fixed on my face.

“Mom, Dad, Hannah, Sarah, Abby, you remember Lily Adler.”

“Hi, how are you all?” I asked, trying to sound casually upbeat. The Roth family looked at me like they were witnessing a miracle. Maybe they were.

“You’re in Adam’s apartment. Where he lives,” Sarah began, looking dumbfounded.

“Oh my God, Adam’s having an adult relationship with a woman,” Hannah added.

“Didn’t the two of you used to fight all the time?” Abby asked with a look of delighted confusion. “Don’t you remember? They used to fight all the time. That’s so cute!”

“We’re going to be late,” Adam said, ignoring his sisters. Suddenly, his mother seemed to recover from a state of shock.

“David, it’s Lily Adler!” she said urgently to Adam’s father. “From our neighborhood. From our synagogue. Lily is here in Adam’s apartment and he’s taking her to the Bar Mitzvah.”

“I see that, Deb,” Adam’s dad answered and put his arm around his wife – possibly to hold her up. He seemed to take all of this in stride. Dave Roth was a very easy-going guy.

“I remember the ‘caution, oversized ego’ sign you put on Adam’s back that one time.” Abby laughed. “That was so funny.”

“Yeah, that was hilarious,” Adam said, grabbing our coats out of the closet.

“I’m so happy to see you, Lily,” Mrs. Roth said, looking like she was on the verge of tears.

“It’s nice to see you too, Mrs. Roth.” I wasn’t sure what else to say.

“I think Mom’s going to be working the room with this news,” Sarah said with a smile.

“I think she’ll just have the rabbi make a formal announcement,” Hannah added. “A reception sponsored by the family will be taking place back at the Sheraton and Debra Roth would like everyone to know that her son is dating a nice Jewish lawyer.”

“Okay, who’s driving us?” Adam asked.

Chapter Ten

The Bar Mitzvah was, well, a Bar Mitzvah. In other words, we spent our time listening to a thirteen-year-old talk about ‘being a man’ just before thanking every person he had ever met. Then we went to a party, ate rubbery chicken and talked to strangers who Adam might possibly have been related to. After lunch we watched paid dancers in ugly leotards boogieing down with middle-aged Jews to the entire catalogue of The Village People and a fake Spanish version of the Macarena. Then we drove home. Just like every Bar Mitzvah.

“At least your parents didn’t try to book the rabbi for our wedding.”

“That we know of. Don’t accept any invitations from my mother without getting all the details upfront. I noticed that she managed to get your cell number.”

“Your Aunt Grace is not aptly named. I think she was body-spelling YMCA wrong.”

“She was spelling it in Hebrew,” he joked.

“Thanks again for not making me do the limbo, by the way.”

“I’m going to make you do it na**d later.”

“Oh, you think so, huh?”

“Hell, yeah. You and I are going to have some real fun tonight, Adler.” Butterflies took flight in my tummy when he said that and I had to concentrate to keep my breathing even.

“One step at a time, Romeo.” I laughed nervously. “So far our great romance has included me getting drunk and us going to a Bar Mitzvah together.”

“Hey, I’ve been doing a very good job, if I must say so myself. I brought you to my apartment. I cooked for you. And I respected you enough to not touch you, even though I had to take three showers.”

“Three?” I asked, confused.

“You were asleep.”

“It’s still light out. You can just drop me off,” I said as we approached my building. He pulled over and parked. “And you have been doing a good job, Adam,” I added. He turned to me, and suddenly the air was thick with sexual tension. His demeanor was as calm as ever, but I was aware that he was breathing more rapidly than usual. I, in turn, could feel my skin becoming flushed and my mouth becoming dry. His fingers tightened on the gearshift, as I maintained a death grip on my purse, and I knew then that we were both struggling with the urge to touch each other.

“So, what time should I pick you up?” he asked. I could hear a note of strain in his tone. We so clearly wanted to jump each other. If I didn’t get out of this car we might be spending the rest of the weekend in bed. If we made it to bed.

“Nine-thirty?” I answered, taking a deep breath and dry swallowing.

“Nine-thirty it is. You bring your bad girl and I’ll bring my player and we’ll let them tangle and see who comes out on top,” he said in the same seductive voice he had used that night in the club.

“Yeah, well, you better be ready to rumble, player, because I like to be on top,” I said with a smile as I got out and walked toward my door with a little extra swing in my hips.

He waited while I opened the front door and went in, then he drove away. I walked into the foyer with a huge grin and immediately encountered Mr. Davis and the Fed Ex guy. Mr. Erectile Dysfunction signed for a package wrapped in a plain brown wrapper, and winked at me as I walked past. I gave a small wave and then climbed the four flights, passing by the Sopranos who, shockingly, were fighting again, and Donna, who was loudly faking an orgasm. Home Sweet Home.

As I headed down the hall to my door, I passed R. Nardo’s apartment, and suddenly his door flew open and his head popped out. I let out a startled yelp and put my hand over my racing heart. Seeing me, he slammed the door closed again. I had to find another place.

I got my door unlocked and took off my coat. It was dark inside so I flicked on the lights. Suddenly, something struck me as wrong. It was dark. The curtains were closed. I never left the curtains closed. I knew my habits. Someone had been in here. Then something really frightening occurred to me. What if they were still here?

I started to panic, thinking maybe there was a burglar in here or something. I thought about leaving and finding somebody to check the place out with me, but then I told myself that I was being ridiculous, that nobody was here, and besides, I had been handling things myself since I was a latch-key kid. There really wasn’t anywhere other than the bedroom, the bathroom or the closet for them to hide. I grabbed an umbrella and made my way over to the bathroom first. I took a deep breath, and tried to steady my shaking hand as I reached out for the knob. I silently counted to three, holding the umbrella in the other hand like a club.

One, two, on three, I yanked the door open and saw … absolutely nobody. I released the breath and put my hand over my slamming heart. Then I forced myself to walk in and approach the tub. Willing myself to reach out, I grabbed the vinyl shower curtain, steeled my nerves, and ripped it back like Norman Bates going after Janet Leigh. Shrinking back quickly, umbrella poised at the ready, I saw … nothing but some soap scum. Yuck. Needed to get some scrubbing bubbles on that.

Okay, onward to the bedroom. The door was already open and I didn’t see anyone but that didn’t mean that somebody wasn’t hiding in there. I crept in and tiptoed over to the bed. Crouching down, I threw up the quilt and peered underneath … at nothing but shoes and dust bunnies. Jesus, I really needed to clean this place. I sighed with relief, but reminded myself that the search wasn’t over.

I let out another ragged breath and stealthily made my way over to the closet next. I went through the same ritual again. This time, when I yanked the door open, though, something came crashing toward me! I screamed and starting whacking wildly with the umbrella. I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing in my Berserker-like frenzy until I looked down at the ground in front of me. That ironing board wouldn’t be assaulting anyone else. I literally doubled over while I caught my breath. Then I picked up the offending ironing board, which had come loose from where it was hanging on the back of the door when I had yanked it open.