Jess was planning to open the door a crack while Cam and Mark acted as her lookouts. They assured me that they had been on missions for Gabrielle before and nothing fazed them. Besides, it seemed better that Adam, Braden and I, being prosecutors, and Gabrielle, being married to a prosecutor, remain uninvolved. Bruce just felt that he could be of more use staying behind and taste testing the alcohol.

We decided that it was ‘go time’ and the three brave defense lawyers quietly went out my apartment door with the key and I went to the peephole to watch and give updates to those of us left behind. Well, those of us besides Bruce, who didn’t really care. He was in the kitchen with the booze making his fruity cocktails.

“Cam is staying by Jess, looking in all directions, while Mark is positioning himself by the stairs,” I reported. “Okay, she’s at the door, still no sign of anyone. She’s got the key in the lock and it’s open! She’s leaving it open about two inches. Wait, Mark is signaling someone is coming. They’re headed back!” I opened the door and the three of them came barreling back in.

“I think that U. Hu is coming up the stairs,” Mark said. “I saw somebody dressed in black headed this way.” I went back to the peephole and saw that, sure enough, there was U. Hu.

“It is him,” I announced to everyone. Everyone was sitting down somewhere, except for Adam, who was right beside me. “He’s walking toward his apartment. He’s pausing and looking around. He’s stealing the clock from the hallway and putting it in a bag.”

“What?” Adam broke in.

“He’s stealing the clock from the hallway. Wait, he has another one in the bag. He’s exchanging that one for the one he took. They look the same.”

“He stole the clock from the hallway and replaced it with a duplicate clock?” Bruce asked, finally sounding interested. Maybe he thought it involved decorating.

“People do weird shit, honey,” Jess assured him. “Trust us. We work in the criminal justice system.”

“He sees McGuire’s door open!” I announced excitedly.

“Let me in there,” Adam ordered, nudging me out of my position.

“Hey, I wanted to look,” I complained, as he managed to elbow me aside.

“You’ve been looking. It’s my turn,” he replied, eye fixed to my door.

“It’s my peephole.”

“I thought I had open access to your peephole.”

“This is just like when you used to hog tetherball during recess.”

“That was sixth grade. You can let it go now,” he answered without moving away from his stolen vantage point. “If it matters, though, I promise to make it up to you by paying lots of attention to your peephole later.” I heard Mark snort with laughter and I felt my face get hot.

“Well? What’s he doing?” I asked through gritted teeth.

“He’s looking around and tiptoeing to the door.”

“So, he must know McGuire’s not in there!” Gab added enthusiastically. “And his name means Fox in Chinese. My plan worked!” She looked so proud.

“Yeah, he’s going in all right,” Adam continued. “You may have finally come up with a nutty idea that actually worked, Gabrielle. What do you know?” He looked like he was about to step back when something else caught his eye. “Hey wait, the guy next door, Nardo, just walked out of his apartment. He looks like he’s headed toward the stairs… but he sees the door! He’s stopping, looking around, stalking quietly over …”

“What?” Gab asked, sounding confused. “He doesn’t think McGuire’s there either?”

“And Reynard is French for Fox,” Jess, the former French major reminded us.

“He’s at the door, and he’s going in!”

“With Who Me in there?” Cam asked.

“U. Hu,” I corrected.

“Oh, right, sorry.”

“Yeah, one of them is going to be in for a surprise, I guess,” Adam commented. “Wait, here comes somebody else.” He paused without telling us the identity of the new arrival.

“Who?” I asked impatiently.

“No, Hu’s already inside. Isn’t he?” Cam said.

“I don’t know.” Braden laughed and looked at Mark who shouted out, “Third Base!”

“Adam, you’re taking a really long time with the peephole,” I said peevishly.

“I didn’t hear you complaining last night … This time it’s Yuri. He sees the door. He’s looking around and now he’s going over there. And he’s in the door.”

“I need a drink,” Gab said, sounding utterly beaten down that her plan had been such a colossal failure.

“Don’t worry, honey,” Jess soothed. “Eventually, one of your crazy schemes is bound to work. It’s the law of averages.”

“And in the meantime, enjoy the party,” Mark added.

“You won’t believe who’s coming now,” Adam said, sounding amused.

“Who is it?” I demanded, squirming with curiosity. Clearly, he was abusing his peephole privileges.

“It’s Donna!” he said, just as I was on verge of shoving him out the way.

“Donna?” I asked incredulously. “What’s she even doing on this floor? She can’t be here for the party already?”

“Her parties probably start as soon as she falls out of bed, but it looks like she’s going over to the maintenance closet. She is. She’s opening the door and taking something out. It’s a …. bottle of Thunderbird.”

“Oh my God!” Bruce said, sounding aghast.

“I know,” I agreed. “I can’t believe she’s stashing alcohol all over the building.”

“Not that!” Bruce replied. “It’s Thunderbird! Ew!” I turned and rolled my eyes at him.

“Uh oh. She sees McGuire’s door,” Adam went on.

“No!” Gab sounded completely dejected.

“Yep, she’s there. She’s looking around furtively, clutching her Thunderbird to her chest, and … she’s going in.”

“With Ray Nardo, Yuri and Hu U. in there already?” Braden asked.

“U. Hu,” Cam reminded him.

“Right.” He nodded.

“Yeah, all of them must be in there together, and that’s a little disturbing, knowing Donna,” Adam answered.

“The possibilities are endlessly disgusting,” I agreed.

“I don’t know that you two are going to want to raise your children in this building, honey,” Jess said teasingly.

“Adam’s such a paternal guy.” Mark snorted. “I’m sure he’s deeply worried about it.”

“Laugh it up,” Adam muttered. “I changed a diaper the other day, I’ll have you know.”

“What?” Braden asked with a laugh.

“You did not!” Mark said, sounding like he was about to crack up at the very idea.

“He really did. I helped,” I said proudly.

“Yeah, she found the return address label.”

“I also wiped,” I reminded him indignantly.

“And now, every time someone mentions wiping a baby’s ass, I’ll think about how I feel about you,” he said, cracking up as he continued to stare out into the hallway.

“Oh shut up!” I said, smacking him hard on his own ass and trying not to laugh.

“Hey, no kinky shit while the kids are watching,” he said, finally looking away from the door and laughing even harder. Even though I bit my lip, and tried to glare, I couldn’t hold it back. I started cracking up with him.

“Yo, Braden, go see what’s happening out there, while Ralph and Alice get control of themselves,” Mark said, and Braden got up and took Adam’s place at the door.

“Oh my God, honey, you’re right,” Jess said with a laugh. “Gab and Braden are like Lucy and Ricky and Adam and Lily are just like the Honeymooners!”

“They lived in a hovel too,” Bruce pointed out, helpfully.

“They’re all apparently still in there,” Braden reported in from the peephole.

“Did you say the return address label?” Cam asked, sounding amused. Adam and I were finally calming down, wiping tears of mirth out of our eyes.

“Long story,” I said, trying to catch my breath.

“Fifteen minutes until party time,” Jess updated us.

“I see the door opening. I think somebody’s coming out,” Braden announced.

“Let me see,” Adam said, getting control of himself and going back to his lookout point. I went over to stand beside him as Braden returned to the couch to comfort Gabrielle, who was still taking the failure of her brilliant scheme rather hard.

“It’s Donna, and in addition to her Thunderbird, she now has a bottle of Jameson.”

“She must have stashed booze in McGuire’s apartment too,” Mark joked.

“Okay, she’s headed for the stairs, and she’s gone. Uh oh, here comes Yuri, and now he’s headed down the stairs, and five, four, three, two … Here comes Nardo, and he too is empty handed.”

“At least those two are honest burglars,” Cam noted.

“Or else he’s got a flash drive in his pocket,” Gab finally spoke up.

“Maybe he was just happy to see Donna,” Braden teased.

“He’s headed for his apartment,” Adam went on. “Guess he changed his mind about wherever he was going.”

“He doesn’t want to miss the party, honey,” Jess chimed in.

“And last but not least, here he is the one and only, U. Hu, and his bag of clocks. And now he’s going into his apartment.” Adam stood up, turned and looked at all of us. “Well, congratulations, team. You just helped four people to burglarize a private citizen.”

“At least the last three were empty handed,” Mark reminded him.

“Always the defense lawyer, aren’t you?” Adam smirked.

“Hey, it’s close to party time!” Braden said, looking at his watch. “Who’s up for beer trivia?”

“How about Beer Sex Trivia?” Mark suggested. “I’ll be Lily’s partner,” he said, smirking back at Adam. He obviously loved pushing Adam’s buttons.

“We have to introduce him to Donna,” Adam informed me. “In fact, let’s introduce him to Donna and Vixen. He can handle a double team.”

“Watch it or I’ll start telling Lily about what you’ve handled in the past,” Mark said, giving Adam an amused look.

“Like what?” I asked curiously, and Adam gave Mark a death glare which just made him crack up. There was a lot of laughter in this apartment tonight. Before Adam could become too homicidal there was a knock at the door.

“And so it begins,” Braden said ominously.

Chapter Thirty-One

We all had our roles. Adam and I would be hosting. Cam was our bartender and Jess kept the snacks replenished. Mark and Braden were security, a key role, considering what we had just witnessed. Bruce was, as he described it, ‘that guy who got the party going,’ which I understood to be sort of like a debauched cruise director. Gab was our deejay and she had brought her 80s Party Hits playlist. At the moment, The Talking Heads were starting to sing Burning Down the House. I hoped nobody would get any ideas. I followed Adam, who went over and swung the door open with a flourish. Herb stood there with a bottle of ginger ale, a wilted potted plant and a ‘Welcome to Philadelphia’ t-shirt.

“Are you the Key Master?” Adam asked, and I pushed him aside.

“Hi, Herb. How are you?” I asked, trying to sound as friendly as possible.

“Hey, Lily! I’m great, thanks. Got your invitation. I really appreciate you inviting me. Congratulations on your new romance by the way.” He looked up at Adam, seeming somewhat confused by his greeting. Maybe he was the one person in the world who hadn’t seen Ghostbusters. I elbowed Adam.

“Herbert, dude, how are you doing?” Adam asked, going over and clapping him on the back. Herb hurtled forward. “Herbert is your full name, right?”

“Yes. Well, I mean, that is the full form of my name. Although Herbert is actually my middle name. My first name is David, but I don’t really like it.”

“You prefer Herbert over David?” I asked, trying not to judge.

“Yeah, it’s just that people used to call me Dave, and I’m not really a Dave. Daves are athletes, and class presidents. I’m really much more of a Herb.”

“I see.” I nodded understandingly. “Well, Herb, let me take those.” I gestured toward his armful of offerings.

“Oh yeah. I brought ginger ale because you can have just as is, or you could use it as a mixer.” He said it in a tone that made it sound like he was imparting the wisdom of the ages.

“Good thinking, Herb,” Adam said with a smile. “I could tell right off the bat you were a thinker. That’s probably why SEPTA hired you. They appreciate people who think, rather than do anything down there. How long have you worked for them anyway?”

“Nine years on Monday!” When anyone mentioned the Philadelphia mass transit system Herb got a light in his eyes.

“Are those for us?” I reminded him, gesturing again at the plant that would be needing life support shortly.

“Oh, yes, uh, the plant is for you, Lily, and the t-shirt is for Adam, to welcome him.” Adam and I had grown up ten minutes from Philly, incidentally.