“I hope so, because all the stuff you’re feeling? I’m feeling that too.” We stared at each other for a moment in a silence that felt heavy with all that we weren’t saying. “Don’t make me tie you to my bed, Lilith,” he added, with a small laugh, purposely breaking the spell. With that he turned and left.

I closed and locked my door behind me, leaning against it, and eventually sliding down to the floor like a snowball against a brick wall. I buried my face in my hands and tried to sort what I was feeling, scared, elated … frustrated. Adam had me tied up in knots, as usual.

Chapter Eighteen

Tuesday and Wednesday went pretty smoothly, and I was starting to feel rather optimistic. Thursday, Bruce and I chatted in the break room before he left at five.

“How can you stand to be here alone with Jane?” he asked.

“Shush! She’ll hear you and that’s mean. I know that she can be a little annoying…”

“Annoying? She’s a prude and a homophobe and Rochelle is her Mini Me.”

“She’s a small town person who’s really religious. I wouldn’t expect her to be all that progressive when it comes to certain issues. She thinks I’m a harlot who writes porn. Just ignore it and let her continue to think that both you and I are going to Hell in a hand basket.”

“Well, we probably are, but at least we’ll be in good company. Jane’s personality is only one issue, though. You should be careful staying here to lock up after what you saw this weekend. You know that anybody could just walk in here and there’s nobody around after five. I don’t even know why they keep this place open until six.”

“Jane will be here with me.”

“Oh, I’m sure you can rely on the Janiac to protect you. If someone attacked you she would probably either pray or try to exchange recipes with him.”

“I think I’ll make it for one hour.”

“You should at least take my pepper spray.”

“Oh, for crying out loud.”

“Take it!” he demanded, digging some pepper spray out of his coat pocket and tucking it into my purse. I rolled my eyes and told him I would see him in the morning if I lived.

At twenty minutes to six, Jane announced that the library would be closing, which was kind of pointless, since I was pretty sure we were the only ones there, but Jane liked her procedures. I got a cart and began helping her to reshelf books. A couple of minutes later, she approached looking like she needed to tell me something, so I paused.

“Lily, I just got a message from somebody up in Judge Bradley’s chambers. They need me to bring them the slip opinions from this week.”

“Aren’t they gone by now?”

“I guess they’re working late on something. It was a new clerk who called down. Maybe he’s just trying to make a good impression. Anyway, I should be back before six, but if not, just lock up. I have my key.”

“Okay,” I said a little nervously, remembering Bruce’s warning. It didn’t help that it was dark outside and a cold November rain was pouring down. I couldn’t have written a better atmosphere for something creepy to happen. I was in the stacks on the upper level when I heard footsteps, and I assumed that Jane was back.

“Jane? Did you need something?” There was no answer, and so then I thought that I must be imagining things. I started pushing my book cart again, but when I stopped a minute later, the footsteps on the tile floor were back. “Jane, is that you?” Again, there was nothing but silence.

My heart started beating faster and my palms started to sweat. I stood still, listening attentively, but all I heard was my own breathing. I decided to try something. I took two steps, and stopped abruptly. The footfall in the next aisle over kept going, and suddenly a tall guy dressed in black, who I didn’t recognize, rounded the corner into my aisle. For a second, I thought it was just someone who hadn’t heard the closing call. Then I noticed the black leather gloves. Who wears gloves inside?

Adrenaline shot through my body and I shoved my book cart as hard as I could at the figure in black and took off running in the other direction. It slowed him down, but didn’t stop him. I screamed for Jane to call the police as I flew through the stacks, taking a circuitous route to try lose my pursuer. I could hear his footsteps behind me, getting closer, and I felt dizzy with fear. Think clearly, Lily! Okay, the stairs, I needed to get to the stairs.

I reached a central reading area and crouched down behind a bookcase, trying to control my rapid breathing so that the stranger wouldn’t hear me. Why did I not put the pepper spray in my pocket, and where in the hell was Jane? Oh God. Don’t think about that! The footsteps got closer and slowed down, as I tried desperately not to make a sound, my legs burning and blood rushing in my ears. They paused for a moment and I bit my lip so that I wouldn’t whimper with terror. Then they began again and passed by, heading for the stacks on the other side.

As quietly as I could, I crept out from my hiding place on shaky legs, and made a dash for the stairs, taking them two at a time. I could hear footsteps echoing behind me but I just kept moving. When I made it to the main level, one of my heels caught on a rug and my shoe came off. I threw the other one off quickly and shoved another cart toward the stairs. It overturned at the landing and books fell everywhere. Then I tore across the floor to the first door I came to. The law library was located in City Hall, which had a courtyard in the middle. The door I reached led there.

My hands were shaking like crazy, but somehow I managed to take my key out of my pocket and get the door open. Looking over my shoulder, I saw the figure in black make it to the main level and start climbing over the books in his way. I bolted out into the dark freezing rain and ran like hell, diving into a dark entranceway close by. I tried the door, but it was locked. Holy shit!

The rain was coming down in sheets, and I was getting soaked, even though I was under cover. I was about to make a run for the north archway to the street, when the figure in black made it to the courtyard. Why hadn’t I just locked the f**king door behind me?! I flattened my back against the locked door, praying he wouldn’t see me cowering in the shadows. I was in the middle of Center City Philadelphia but I felt completely isolated and vulnerable. I had never been more frightened in my entire life. I didn’t know what the guy chasing me wanted, but instinct told me it wasn’t to settle up his overdue book fines.

He stopped at the center of the courtyard and looked around as I stood trembling with cold and fear. Suddenly, another figure appeared at the north arch I had been considering as an escape route. I thought it was some random bystander, and I was about to call for help, but then the guy in black yelled out to him.

“Did she run that way?”

“No,” the figure in the arch called back. “She must have gone out the south exit.”

“Fuck!”

The guy who had been chasing me walked forward to meet the other guy and I couldn’t hear what they were saying anymore over the sound of the rain. After a few minutes the two of them walked off.

I waited for what felt a long time to be sure they were gone, and then I stumbled back toward the library door. When I made it inside, dripping wet, barefoot in torn stockings, I encountered a crowd that included some uniformed police officers, a couple of guys in suits, Jane, Mr. Jane, Adam, Jacob, and some guys who were probably FBI. How long had I been gone?

I was in the break room at the library with Adam and Jacob. I had already given my statement to the Philadelphia police and the FBI. With a blanket wrapped around me, I sat with a hot cup of tea, considering choices that might dramatically affect my life.

“I could put you under federal protection,” Jacob told me. “But it would mean being in another city for an indefinite amount of time. The good news is, the government would be paying your expenses, and so you would be able to write full-time if you wanted. The bad news is, the people close to you wouldn’t be able to contact you until further notice. Of course, it wouldn’t be forever, but trials can last several months.”

“So I couldn’t even talk on the phone …” I looked up at Adam. He just sat there, impassively.

“No, sorry,” Jacob answered. “You wouldn’t be completely alone, though. You would have federal agents guarding you. And, of course, you could talk to me whenever you wanted. I might even be able to visit if you wanted me to.” I saw Adam flinch but he wouldn’t look at me. I needed to know what he felt about this, but he wasn’t letting me know.

“What’s the alternative?” I asked, feeling overwhelmed and confused.

“You could accept a position with the Philadelphia District Attorney’s office. It wouldn’t be hard for us to arrange. It would really just be an inter-office transfer since you’re a county employee now. You’re a licensed attorney and you’re certainly up on the law. You would just need a little extra courtroom training. The advantage to that would be that both the DA’s office and the courthouse are very secure. There are metal detectors and you would be literally surrounded by law enforcement officers. Of course, you would be expected to do the job of a prosecutor, which would mean longer hours, more stress and a heavier workload.”

“And what about when I left work? Would you put an agent in my building or something to watch out for me?”

“We would be hesitant to actually put someone in the building ourselves,” Jacob said, suddenly very interested in the wall behind me. “We would have people watching the building from nearby.”

“But inside, where the hit man may be, I would be alone?”

“If you stayed put and say, maybe Roth there, came and stayed with you, you wouldn’t be alone,” Jacob said, sounding uncomfortable, and still talking to the wall. “And with a male present, it would be less likely that anyone would try to harm you.”

“Why don’t I just move somewhere more secure?” I still didn’t like the idea of Adam putting himself in danger for me, or for Jacob.

“If you did stay and he stayed with you,” Jacob went on, not answering my question, and looking very uncomfortable now, “because he’s a prosecutor, he might notice things. Things that could help us. Nobody would really suspect him being in your building, since the two of you are dating. “

“Okay, so that might an advantage for you …”

“And if he were willing to help, unofficially of course, it could ultimately be an advantage to him, although there would be no direct advantage for you.”

“So, if I go into protection I can write full time for a while, but I can’t even talk to the person who I’m romantically involved with or any of my friends for an indefinite amount of time. If I stay and Adam comes and shacks up with me, it could benefit his career, but in the meanwhile, I may not have time to write very much, because of my new career as a prosecutor.”

“Uh yeah, pretty much,” Jacob agreed. “And we would prefer you be assigned with him in court, so you would be spending all of your time together.”

He looked directly at Adam as he said that last part and it occurred to me that I might not even have a choice in the matter. Adam might not be interested in this little plan, potential career advantage or not. He had said he would be willing to stay with me temporarily, but live and work with me indefinitely? I looked at Adam too, desperately wanting him to give me some sign of what he was thinking but he wouldn’t even look at me.

“Can I talk to Adam alone please?”

“Of course,” Jacob answered, getting up. He paused when he got to the door and turned to look at me. I thought he was going to say something else, but he seemed to change his mind and he left, closing the door behind him. I looked at Adam as soon as Jacob was gone, but he still seemed removed and withdrawn.

“Look, Lily, it’s not forever. You’ll be back. We can pick up where we left off,” he said, sounding tense, and staring off into space.

Suddenly, I felt sick. I had been hoping that he would ask me to stay, but he obviously didn’t want to have to work and live with me. I guess I couldn’t blame him, but my stomach still roiled, as a lump formed in my throat, and my eyes started to sting with unshed tears.

“So, you want me to go,” I said miserably, willing myself not to cry.

“What?” he asked, finally looking at me. “I don’t want you to go. I figured you would want to go.” He looked genuinely shocked and upset.

“Well, I don’t want to go, you asshole,” I said, my voice cracking with emotion.

“Well why not, you nutty broad?”

“Because first of all, I don’t want to let some dickhead bully run me out of town. I have always stood up for myself in the past, and I’m not going to just run away, or be run out of my home either for that matter. But secondly, Adam, I wouldn’t be able to even talk to you, for God knows how long.” To my horror, I felt a single hot tear slowly run down my cheek.

“But you told me your writing was everything.” The way he spit the words out made them sound like an accusation.

“I said that my writing was one of the most important things to me. If you don’t want to spend all your time with me, though, just tell me and I’ll go.”

“No! That’s not what I mean! What I’m asking you is, are you saying that I’m as important to you as your writing?” It looked like he was still trying to process that information.

“Why is that so hard for an egomaniac like you to believe?” My voice was rising in pitch so much I was starting to sound like a little girl.

“Oh I don’t know. Maybe because you’ve never given me any indication that you’ve had anything but contempt for me?” He sounded angry and confused but also stunned.