“But you don’t understand why he needs to have it with Anita, right?”

“No offense, Anita, but no, I don’t.”

“No offense taken; are you saying that you are willing to have rough sex with Jason?” I asked, glancing back in the rearview mirror enough to glimpse her face.

“We have had.”

“How rough?” Nathaniel asked.

“Rough,” she said.

“No, honey, not by Nathaniel’s standards, and not really by Anita’s either.”

“How rough is rough to them?” she asked.

I concentrated on the road suddenly, just driving, because I didn’t know how to answer that. Not without asking them details about the rough sex they’d had that I honestly didn’t want to ask.

“It’s not just how rough to me and Anita, it’s how rough to Jason,” Nathaniel said.

“Okay, I’ll bite, how rough to all three of you?”

I heard soft movement from the backseat and knew Jason was cuddling her closer in some way. I kept my eye on traffic, but some small sounds you just know.

“I’m not allowed to bite you, remember?”

“I have to perform, Jason, and sometimes my costumes reveal most of my skin.”

“And sometimes I can’t afford bite marks on me for the same reason.”

“So why is it an issue?” she asked.

“You don’t want to bite me, and I want to bite you.”

“I don’t understand,” she said.

“I’m hoping you will by the end of the night.”

And that was the truth. Some things can’t really be explained, they can only be experienced, or at least observed. Tonight was about seeing the truth; I just wasn’t sure that I was happy being part of the wildlife being observed.

3

WE WENT BACK to talking about normal things all the way down the long stairs into the underground area below Circus of the Damned. We acknowledged the guards, said hi to the ones who had crossed the line to being friends, and learned more about practice for the new ballet in New York. Nathaniel talked about the dance he and Jason were choreographing for Danse Macabre, which was literally a dance club, not a strip club. I didn’t join in the work talk, because most of mine was a little too graphic or involved ongoing police cases; either way it was almost guaranteed to be a buzzkill for J.J. The men in my life were okay with me talking shop—most of the time.

Jason’s room was one of the suites complete with bathroom and epic shower. We closed the door to the main bedroom part, and the silence was just the breathing of the ventilation heating/cooling system. All the rooms down here were carved out of a natural cave system, so we didn’t actually need a lot of cooling, or heating, but if you did need it, you needed it, and Jean-Claude didn’t really believe in skimping. He was spoiling us all, I think.

J.J. kissed Jason and said, “I’m going to freshen up and change into something more comfortable.” She walked toward the bathroom, big bag swinging at her side.

I called after her, “Is it really more comfortable, or just the opposite?”

She laughed. “You’ll see soon enough.”

“Shit, that means I need lingerie, too.”

She looked over her shoulder as she opened the door. “Oh, I don’t know, you naked would be fine.” She gave me a smile that went with the comment, then was through the door before I had a comeback. Just as well, because I didn’t have a comeback. I just stared at the closed door feeling suddenly all deer-in-the-headlights.

Jason hugged me. “Don’t get all weird about that, okay? Remember, she likes girls a lot more than she likes boys.”

I drew back enough to see his face. “You’re not the only boyfriend she’s ever had, are you?”

“No, but I am the only serious one.”

Nathaniel hugged me from the other side, and for a minute I was held in the warm comfort of a boy sandwich. I liked that, and they both knew it. It helped calm me down.

Nathaniel kissed me. “I’ll go get you some lingerie, and shoes.”

“I can get it,” I said.

He grinned at me. “You’ll agonize over the choices, or use it to delay coming back; I’ll just pick something awesome for you to wear.”

I couldn’t argue with his reasoning, so I didn’t try. I could be taught. He went, I stayed, and Jason held me. I realized he wasn’t touching just to reassure me.

“You’re nervous, too,” I said.

“She means more to me than any woman ever has, Anita; it’s kind of scary.”

“And wonderful,” I said, arms around his waist, staring into those spring-blue eyes. He looked worried and had stopped trying to hide it.

“Yes,” he said, “wonderful, but still scary.”

I hugged him, putting my face against the warmth of his neck. “We got this.”

He held me tight, the strength in his arms pressing me against him. “I hope so, Anita. God, I hope so.”

I wanted to keep being comforting, but we needed truthful more. I rose back to see his face and said, “I’ve tried to help Richard make peace with some of his girlfriends and it’s never worked well.”

“Like Envy,” Jason said.

“Yeah.”

“I think if Richard had been having rough with you, he’d have behaved himself with Envy.”

I shrugged. “He didn’t have time to see Envy, date the new mundane chick, and fit BDSM booty calls into his schedule. He has a full-time job and a lot of family obligations with his parents and siblings in town.”