I should also note that you’re in luck—I’m a cat person myself. He’s six months old and would love to come along to a new place with me. I’ve included a picture of him in an attempt to charm you.

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Still on the fence…

Edward,

Though including the picture of the cat was a good idea, I’m still on the fence. You sound too good to be true.

How are we going to fix this? I’m worried about giving up this amazing room to someone who will let me down. Not saying you will but… #trustissues

Also…you’re a dude. You have a dick.

I have a vagina.

Will that be an issue?

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: No issues.

Batman,

The apartment sounds too good to be true. Guess we’re at an impasse there.

What would you having a vagina change? I’ll still have a dick. Are you going to be okay living with a guy? Because it’s not going to be a problem for me at all.

Is there anything I can do to convince you I’m not a complete shitbag?

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Hmmm…

Edward,

Send more cat pictures.

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Easy to please.

Batman,

DONE

P.S. His name is Mittens.

P.P.S. I’m sorry it’s taken me a few days to respond. Remember when I said I work a lot and am rarely home? It’s been one of those weeks. I’m not a flake, I promise.

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: BECAUSE OF HIS PAWS?!

Edward,

I won’t lie, I really needed that today.

I only thought you were a flake for about ten minutes until I remembered you said you have a nutso schedule. Where do you work that keeps you so busy, and how do you manage that while in school? And you said you have other obligations on top of all that? What year are you? That sounds like a lot for a college student to take on. Really unfair, if you ask me.

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Apologies

Edward,

It’s been two days since I’ve heard from you.

Either you’re busy or you think I’m a nosy, judgmental brat.

I apologize if I overstepped any boundaries. I promise I’m not usually so…obnoxious.

You seem like a cool guy and I hope I didn’t ruin anything.

P.S. I really only want you to be my roommate so I can pet your…cat.

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Ugh.

Batman,

I knew it was only about the cat.

Your questions weren’t too intrusive. I’m a senior and keep busy with working the graveyard shift, sports, and family obligations.

Honestly, I don’t know how I do it all either. It’s kind of a lot, but someone’s gotta do it, right? At least that’s what I keep telling myself. If I’m not taking care of things, who will?

Anyway, I’m rambling now. You don’t need to hear any of this.

Keep me updated on the availability, please.

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: I understand

Edward,

I can understand where you’re coming from. I’m an only child and admittedly I’ve lived a good life, but I’m sort of a perfectionist.

Being a perfectionist and an artist don’t go hand in hand.

I know, I know, I do it to myself, but I can’t help it. My brain won’t let me move on until things are just right…but then I feel like nothing is ever just right.

Hence my dating life and less than stellar track record there.

Ugh, now I’m the one rambling. You really don’t need to hear all of this.

The apartment is still available. I’ve had a few others email, but nothing has felt right. Not even you.

Wow, this whole thing just came full circle, didn’t it?

I’m stopping before I tell you my entire life story—no one wants to hear that.

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: For what it’s worth, I’m a good listener.

Batman,

Brace yourself…hard-hitting question coming in 3, 2, 1…

Do you think I’m roommate material? I’ve run into some…well, let’s say issues, and I sort of need to get the ball rolling on finding a cheaper place to live. I looked at apartments on my day off yesterday and every one I saw was either infested with mice, had bongs scattered about (which, hey, whatever floats your boat), or the renter greeted me in their underwear. As you can see, the conditions weren’t ideal. Your place just sounds much nicer than these.

Do I have a shot? Or should I keep looking?

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Desperate

Edward,

The reason it’s taken me two days to respond is…

You sound desperate, and slightly shady.

Half of me is like “oh man this poor dude,” but the other half—the cautious half—is saying you sound too desperate, and that means you’re going to turn out to be a creeper or a murderer.

To fix this, I think we need to meet…in a very public setting. Then I can decide if you’re a creeper or not.

Thoughts? Opinions? Concerns?

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Deal

Batman,

I’m in.

Lola’s on Tuesday at 6PM okay?

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: RE: Deal

Edward,

It’s a date!

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: WTF

I DID NOT MEAN A DATE DATE.

Because there will be no bangin’, remember? No trying to stick your magic wang into this hot pocket.

GOT IT?

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

SUBJECT: GOT IT

You mean I can’t put my Lik-A-Stix in your Fun Dip? Open the gates of Mordor with Gandalf’s staff? Slytherin to your Chamber of Secrets? Put my email in your spam folder?

Wow. Why don’t you just take all the fun out of this then?

P.S. YEAH, I GOT IT.

Three

“How are you supposed to know which one is him?”

“Ah, shit,” I mutter under my breath. “We didn’t talk about this. I’ve been so scatterbrained this week trying to make the deadline on my project that I didn’t even think to ask. Crap.”

It’s been just under two weeks since Edward contacted me about the empty room I have, and my first reaction to him was laughing at his name.

Edward? How Twilight.

Then I laughed at what he sent me—a picture of a rooster—because, hey, it wasn’t a dick pic. I knew right then I had to email him back, and he was the frontrunner in my search. He’s the exact kind of roommate I’d like to have.

“Are you sure about this, Zoe? I mean, he sounded desperate for the room. That should be a red flag, right?”

I nod. “It should be, but it didn’t feel like one—know what I mean?”

She twists her lips up and I know she agrees with me. I showed her every email Edward sent. Neither of us felt anything off about him, though we felt we should because of his neediness.

I watch as she pushes her sunglasses up on her nose and laughs. Delia insisted she be here for the meet and greet but didn’t want to be that friend. So, instead, she’s sitting on the other side of the bar, wearing head-to-toe black, and Zach is here too, wearing a black ball cap pulled low over his eyes, a hoodie with the hood pulled up, and jeans.

They stick out like sore thumbs.

“You two look like idiots,” I tell her.

“Shut up,” she growls as she flips me off. Zach catches wind of what she’s doing and flips the bird my way too, not even knowing why.

He’s such a good support system.

“Do you think he’s here already?” I hear Zach ask her.

“I don’t see anyone who looks like an Edward.”

“And how does one look like an Edward?” Zach asks. I can hear the smile in his voice. “Pale and constipated looking?”