She has a point. And she says:

You know, I think Eddie is lying about the ashes.

 

I ask:

What do you mean?

I think he’s hiding them.

 

I disagree but keep my mouth shut. I’ve already told her who I think is behind it.

Up front, the guys move on to discussing their favorite cartoons as kids and I put on my headphones. White noise drowns out their voices and I doze off for the rest of the drive, and I don’t wake up until the car jolts. A dirt road is the only way to get to the ghost town.

Nikki didn’t really know what a ghost town was. That’s my theory, anyway; otherwise, I’m not sure we would have gone. We all thought it was a haunted place filled with castles and old Victorian houses. And ghosts. Lots of ghosts.

When we hit the dirt road, Nikki started singing the Ghostbusters song. Eddie and I joined in, but Portia didn’t know the words. She just pretended she did.

She was also scared. At one point, Portia whispered in my ear. ‘Will the ghosts hurt us?’

‘No. They’re nice,’ I said.

‘Like Casper?’

‘Sort of.’

She nodded, her hair covered half her face. It hadn’t been brushed that day. ‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘It’ll be fun.’

Lie, though I didn’t know that when I said it. I believed ghost towns had ghosts, but they don’t. They have empty buildings and stories about miners who worked there a hundred years ago. Like Mom said, nothing is what it seems. It was true in so many ways that day.

During the drive up, when Portia was scared, I reached into Nikki’s bag to get her CD Discman. Nikki had stopped singing by that point. She was concentrating on getting up the hill, and I thought some fun music would keep Portia calm.

I searched around in Nikki’s bag, never expecting to find a pregnancy test.

I watch Felix searching the Internet on his phone, looking for information about the ghost town. Refresh, scroll, refresh, scroll.

I pull out my phone and check Instagram. He’s working today, and even posted a picture of his giant coffee cup. For a second, I forget about the mountain that we’re about to drive up.

When the incline starts, I put on my seatbelt. Portia climbs back to her seat and does the same.

The road hasn’t improved since last time, although we’re in a better car for it. Last time we bounced around, in part because Nikki had no idea how to make this kind of drive. If anyone had seen us, they would’ve stopped us from even trying. I grab the plastic handle above my head.

I used it last time, too. One hand gripping the handle, the other rooting through Nikki’s bag.

I close my eyes, thinking back to when I found that pregnancy test. I remember thinking it must belong to Mom – she must be pregnant again and Nikki had found this test. But that made no sense because why would Nikki take it, and why would she bring it with her? It also didn’t make sense that the test belonged to Nikki, yet that seemed to be the only answer. She would’ve had plenty of chances to buy it; there were so many times we stopped and she ran into the store to get something, leaving me with Grandpa and the others.

So it was hers, then. Had to be. I swear I can still feel the shock of that moment.

Or maybe it’s the road.

‘Jesus,’ Eddie says.

I open my eyes and see the mountain.

Eddie slows down and tries to avoid the bumps. He also tries to avoid the steep drop-off on one side of the road. The old town of Kirwin is in the mountains, and this is the only way to get there.

‘You remember this?’ I ask Portia.

She nods, looking as scared now as she did then, which is a little surprising.

Portia never saw the test in Nikki’s bag. Her eyes were squeezed shut.

Felix looks up from his phone, sees the mountain on one side and the cliff on the other. He puts the phone away. ‘Service is gone,’ he says.

‘Ya think?’ Portia says.

No one answers. No one says anything. It feels like we are balancing, hovering in the air in a place no one, certainly no car, should be. Yet somehow we keep going.

The town is at the very top. A jeep is what we should be driving, maybe an ATV. Or a helicopter.

Behind me, Portia whispers, ‘This is where the ghosts live. At the top.’

I smile. That’s what Nikki said when she saw how scared we all were during the drive up. She was scared too, she was just better at hiding it.

‘All the ghosts,’ I say.

‘Even Grandma.’

Yes, Nikki had said that. I believed it. We all did because we wanted it to be true. No one cared what Grandpa thought about seeing Grandma’s ghost. He was just the asshole who hit her.

The drive also made him sick. He vomited when we got to the top, although that was probably due to the pills and the NyQuil. Bad mix.

Now Felix is the one who looks queasy. He has one hand on the dashboard, the other clenching the seatbelt.

I pat him on the arm. ‘Exciting, right?’

‘Almost there,’ Eddie says.

‘Jesus Christ, your grandfather brought you guys up here?’ Felix says.

I don’t answer that. No one says another word until our car makes that final lurch up to the top. I exhale because that’s what you do when you escape death, or at least feel like you did.

Another dirt road brings us to Kirwin, where two hundred residents once lived and worked mining both gold and silver. We get out of the car and stare at the buildings. They’re all boarded up, every last one. If there are ghosts, we can’t see them.

It’s spooky, though. Spookier than I remember as a kid. Now I can imagine the people who used to be here, can envision them walking, working, growing food, and praying at the little church. What I can’t imagine is the same thing, day after day, without any relief in sight.

Not so different from life now.

Felix is the only one who hasn’t seen Kirwin before. He glances around, still looking a little sick from the ride. ‘Seems like we could’ve done this with a drone,’ he says.

It takes a second, but everyone starts to laugh. A big laugh, the kind you feel deep in your belly, the kind that makes you double over and try to catch your breath.

Sometimes Felix makes me laugh this hard. I might miss that.

 

What are you most grateful for?

Having a brain. I can’t imagine being stupid.

I’m also grateful for Beth, not that I’d ever say that to her. But really, this wouldn’t work without her, because someone’s got to keep an eye on everything when I’m driving. If Eddie wasn’t so into his NIN world, maybe he’d help out, but of course, he’s not. Trent Reznor’s got his attention.

I’m also grateful for Thelma & Louise. Grandma and I used to watch that together. She loved it, but I never understood why until she got sick and told me what Grandpa did to her. Then I got it. She was Thelma, the one with the horrible husband, and all she wanted to do was run away and get back at him. At everyone. When I finally understood why she liked that movie, I told her I’d be Louise. So that’s what I’m doing.

I just wish she was still around. I wish she was on this trip, so she could see that I’m getting Grandpa back for her. I told her I would.

I promised.