Add to that a change in team trainer—Tash, who had been training the guys for the past two years, was recently replaced by a guy named Evan Smart—and it’s been a rough season.

The Chicago crowd goes crazy when the team takes the ice. Women scream the names of the players they want to get naked with. Some girl a few rows back starts bellowing Ballistic’s name. Lily, who’s managed to convert him from a serial player into a one-vagina man, turns to check out the yodeler. She pales and coughs out an expletive, so I turn around to see what’s going on.

There’s a blond chick dressed in very little, considering we’re in a cold arena surrounded by ice, and she’s holding up a homemade sign. It looks like something I might’ve made in junior high. A selfie of her and Randy, in color, takes up half the posterboard. It’s captioned with: I WANT TO GET BALLED BY BALLISTIC AGAIN!

I cup my hands and yell, “Nice sign! Super classy!”

I should probably keep my mouth shut, based on the death stare I get from her, but her reaction fuels my desire to poke her with the proverbial stick—although not the kind she wants to handle.

“You’re a little too late! This one over here actually owns Balls’ balls now.” It sounded funnier in my head.

Lily slouches in her seat. Charlene looks back to see who I’m yelling at and elbows me. “What’re you doing?”

“Being an idiot.”

The blond hockey hooker gives me the bird and turns her ragey eyes to the back of Lily’s head.

“What happens when you have to go pee and she follows you to the bathroom and sprays you in the eyes with her glitter body mist?” Charlene asks calmly.

“You’ll be my bodyguard. Or I’ll get my mom to come along and she can mortify her into leaving me alone.”

The team skates around the rink, and of course, Alex pauses to tap the glass and wink at me. Darren follows and takes a moment to stop in front of Charlene. He pulls at the front of his jersey. Charlene unravels the scarf around her neck and touches the pearl necklace she’s wearing.

It’s so weird that that’s their thing. We’ve talked about pearl necklaces before, but I thought it was more of a joke. Maybe it’s not. Maybe Darren really likes to jizz on her throat. The necklace would suggest that. Actually, it’s more of a choker.

I glance at Darren again in time to see him mouth, Your ass is mine. At least that’s what it looks like he says.

“Oh my God. You let him in your Area 51?” I shriek. Thankfully, it’s loud enough in the arena that most people can’t hear me.

Darren skates away, and Charlene turns her attention to me. “What?”

“Your Area 51! You let Darren near it?”

Charlene looks confused as she strokes the pearls around her neck. As much as I constantly overshare my sexual exploits with her, she hasn’t been sharing all that much with me, aside from the conversations we’ve had about blowies. Obviously she and Darren have sex. Often. I mean, she says they do, and she has no reason to lie.

“What’s that code for?” she finally asks.

“What’s what code for?”

I look over to see Buck skate by and blow Sunny a kiss. Several girls behind her start screaming like they’re having spontaneous, simultaneous orgasms.

“Calm your tits, ladies!” I yell while pointing at Sunny. “He bones this one on the regular.”

Sunny looks at me with what seems to be horror, which is appropriate. I’m unable to control my mouth tonight, and I’ve only had a sip of my beer. I’m chalking it up to stress.

“Miller and I don’t bone. We have sex or make love,” Sunny informs me. “Also, your parents are right here.”

“Sorry. Make love doesn’t sound nearly as badass when we’re dealing with the bunnies, though.” I thumb over my shoulder at the shrieking whores.

Sunny nods as though this makes sense. “Sometimes, when he’s really excited and so am I, we have intense sex. It’s my favorite.”

I have to wonder what intense means for Sunny. I’m not about to ask. She’s such a soft person, so I can’t really see her swinging from the rafters. Lily, on the other hand, I can totally see getting freaky, considering her penchant for public love.

“And when it’s nice out, Miller loves to have sex outside.” Sunny brushes the end of one of her thin braids across her lips.

I have to bite my tongue, literally, to prevent myself from saying something about how yetis are notorious for the outdoor sexing. Luckily for Sunny, I’m distracted by Randy when he comes barreling up to the plexiglas barrier.

He throws himself at it, scaring the people next to Lily and making the blonde behind us go insane. But he’s focused only on Lily. He points to her, says something we can’t hear, and then humps the boards a couple of times before skating away.

“He’s almost as bad as you,” Charlene says.

“Right? It’s like we’re twins of inappropriateness or something.” Lily’s still slouched in her seat, now with her hood pulled up.

I find her embarrassment ironic considering how often Randy drags her into the closest room with a door whenever he’s been away for more than five minutes. That girl’s vagina has to be made of leather for all the dicking she takes.

But the attention and the media crap does take some getting used to. Before, when she and Randy just used to bone each other in the privacy of a bathroom or a bedroom, Lily didn’t have to deal with the publicity crap. Now they’re official, Randy’s proving to be an incredible player, and he’s getting attention and endorsements, which means he’s higher-profile in the hockey world.