“Well, I might be around a little bit more.”

His brows elevate as he opens the top dresser drawer. “Really? You get Mike to ease up on the touring or something?”

I shake my head. “I can’t really say anything for sure yet. I have to talk to Ella about stuff first.”

“Well, I hope it works out that you aren’t gone all the time,” he says as he reaches into the drawer. “For her sake and mine.”

I open my mouth to retort a funny comeback about him being needy, but once I catch sight of what he has in his hand, my humor vanishes. “You really have lost your damn mind, haven’t you?”

He looks absolutely horrified as he nods. “I think I’m in deep shit.”

Chapter 5

Ella

Christmas tunes play from the car stereo, promising happy days of holiday joy ahead. I wonder if I’ll ever feel happy again after what was just revealed to me in one of the stale smelling rooms at the doctor’s office.

“Oh, my God, I hope it’s a girl,” Lila says excitedly as we drive down the freeway toward our subdivision. “Then we get to dress her up in cute, little dresses.”

I scrunch my nose. “No dresses.” I picture a little, baby girl with blonde hair and green eyes, punked out in black pants, boots, and maybe a shirt with a skeleton. Then I shake my head. What the hell am I doing?

“Stop talking about the sex. I’m still trying to process what just happened.”

She bites down on her lip as she veers into the next lane and then down the exit ramp. “But you have to admit it, shopping for a girl would be so cool,” she sputters out, unable to contain her enthusiasm for more than five seconds. “We should totally stop by a store right now.”

“No way.” I chew on my thumbnail, trying not to panic, but suppressing my anxiety is becoming more complicated by the second.

The doctor confirmed the tests. I’m pregnant. My body is now home to a mini me. Oh, my God, I think I’m going to puke again.

I clutch at my stomach. “I just want to get home.”

“Oh, fine, you party pooper.” She sulks. “But I will shop for it sooner or later, even if it’s a boy.” She releases a deafening exhale then mutters, “It’ll probably be my only chance, anyway.”

“Fuck.” I suddenly feel like such a jerk. “I’m so sorry, Lila. I didn’t even think about how you were trying and then”—I motion my hand in the direction of my stomach—“this happens.”

“Ella, let’s get one thing straight,” she says, gripping the wheel. “I’m super happy for you, regardless of what’s going on with me.”

“But you’re sad,” I note as I slip my sunglasses on to block out the sunlight reflecting through the window. “I can see it in your eyes that you are.”

She sucks in a slow inhale as her gaze remains glued to the road. “I just worry that it’s not ever going to happen for me.”

“Having a baby?”

“That, and that I’ll end up a middle-aged, single woman living with my cat named Chester that I talk to out loud.”

“Lila, Ethan’s not ever going to leave you.”

She stares at her ring finger. “Maybe. But maybe not.”

“Hey.” I reach over and cover her hand, preparing to tell her how wrong she is, but I’ve told her it enough that I don’t think she’ll ever believe it. So, I decide to go a different direction. “I’ll tell you what. If Ethan decides to leave you, you can move in with Micha and me so you won’t be all alone.”

Her lips threaten to turn upward. “Really? Can I even have the guest bedroom near the attic? Because that’s my favorite room in the house.”

I nod. “And your future cat Chester can come, too, if you want.”

Laughter erupts from her lips. “Fine, you have a deal, but only if I get to help take care of little Ella.”

I frown as I slump back in the seat. For a moment, I almost forgot about being pregnant. “Sounds like a deal to me. You’ll probably be a better mother, anyway.”

She gives me a stern look that I shy away from. Without scolding me, though, she flips on the blinker to make a turn down our street. We zoom past the houses glammed up in Christmas décor, lights, Santa’s, and giant snow globes.

Christmas is in a week, and Micha and my house remains holiday-less. It’s not because I’m a Grinch; I’ve just never been into Christmas. It suddenly feels like I should be, though.

“When are you going to tell Micha?” Lila abruptly asks. “I mean, it’s great that I got to come to your appointment today, but he really should be a part of it. And, knowing him, he’s going to want to.”

“I know he will.” Shutting my eyes, I rest my head against the window and bask in the sunlight. “I’ll tell him. I just have to talk to someone first.”

“Who? Your dad or something? Because it seems a little strange to tell him before Micha.”

I open my eyes and look over at her. “No, not him. That would be way weird.” Honestly, I haven’t figured out who that person is. Realistically, my go-to person for my panic attacks is Micha, but this time, it can’t be him.

“Well, you have to tell me when you get ready to tell him. We’ll do something big and make it a surprise.” She pulls into the driveway of her house, pushes the button on the visor, and the garage door creeps open. “But promise me you’ll do it soon. It’ll wear you down, carrying this secret.”