Chapter Nineteen


Pagan

Sleeping on it didn’t make accepting it any easier. It seemed like a really bad dream. I rolled over to see Miranda’s empty bed. Another night with Nathan. I had two female friends here. One was in heat and always gone. The other wasn’t human. I was truly alone. I reached for my phone and scrolled down my contacts until I found my mother’s number. I needed to hear her voice. This must be what homesick felt like.

“Pagan? Hey, Honey, are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” I assured her. I wasn’t one to call home much. The one time we had talked last week had been when she’d called me to see how I was settling in.

“It’s seven in the morning. I didn’t realize you were capable of being awake at seven in the morning.”

“Ha. Ha. I have three eight a.m. classes a week, thank you very much.”

“Oh, well that explains it. This is a new phenomenon. I had to beat you with your bacon in the mornings to get you up before seven thirty.”

“I’m a big girl now,” I replied feeling a lump form in my throat. Talking to mom wasn’t making this better. I wanted to go curl up on the couch with her and watch CSI reruns.

“You sure? Because something sounds wrong.”

“I miss you,” I managed to choke out without crying.

“Oh, baby. I miss you too! Are you homesick? I could come visit. Do you want me to come visit?”

No. I didn’t want her to come visit because I may not let her leave me. “No. I’m fine. I just wanted to hear your voice this morning and tell you that I miss your pancakes. A caramel latte just isn’t the same thing.”

Mom chuckled into the phone. “Well as soon as you get home for Thanksgiving break I will have pancakes waiting for you.”

“Thanks. I can look forward to those. I need to go now. I’ve got to get dressed.”

“Alright. Don’t be late for class. Call me anytime you want to. You’re a beautiful, smart girl and you’ll find your place there real soon.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon. Love you.”

“Love you, Honey. Bye.”

“Bye.”

I dropped the phone onto the bed and stood up to go get a shower. My eyes landed on the silver Celtic knot that had once hung around Dank’s neck. It was lying on top of my notebook. I started to reach for it and stopped. I wasn’t sure how it got here and why it was here. I’d told him to leave me alone. I didn’t like thinking he could be in my room while I was sleeping. I hurried to the bathroom. Getting out of this room and in the real world where people had bodies and weren’t immortal was my ultimate goal.

When I opened the front door of the dorm to head to class I stopped when Jay shoved off from the railing he had been leaning on. He had a coffee in his hands. I knew Jay didn’t drink coffee.

“Good morning,” he said smiling and holding the coffee out toward me. “Caramel latte with whipped cream.”

“Thank you,” I replied taking the cup from him. “What did I do to deserve morning coffee service?”

Jay shrugged, “It gave me a reason to see you. Miranda told me what time you left this morning and I thought I’d see if I could score some bonus points. The fact I get to start my day with you was a pretty big draw.”

Smiling I took a sip of the coffee then sighed my approval. “Well, thank you. That’s really sweet.”

“I had one more ulterior motive,” he said and rubbed his hands together. That was his nervous gesture. I knew it well.

“Okay, but can we discuss it on my way to class, so I’m not late?” I asked stepping up beside him.

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” We walked down the stairs and headed for the sidewalk that led to the front of the English building.

“Okay. What is it you want that you got up to come bribe me with coffee this early in the morning?”

“I was wondering if there was any chance you’d give me one more chance at a date. Just friends, but, well not just friends. I want to spend time with you. Maybe we could go out to eat and bowling. You used to kick my tail at bowling.”

Under normal circumstances, this would have been a definite no. However, I was lonely. I needed friends. Jay had been my friend for several years. Spending time with him wasn’t the worst idea in the world. Hanging out with Death was the worst idea in the world. This was definitely a step up; at least he was human. He wasn’t as sexy and his kisses didn’t make my toes curl, but he was nice enough. I couldn’t measure other guys against Dank. It was unfair. He wasn’t human so therefore a human could not compete.

“Sure. That sounds like fun. When do you want to do this?”

Jay stopped walking and looked over at me as if he didn’t believe I’d just said yes. He started walking again grinning like I’d just offered him money instead of agreed to a date. “Uh, tomorrow night. We don’t have school the next morning.”

Sure. I needed something to do. “Sounds like a plan.”

***

Three weeks later and I’d found a comfortable pattern with Jay. He brought me coffee three days a week and walked me to class. We went out to eat with Miranda and Nathan on Tuesdays, we went bowling on Thursdays and Friday night was dinner and a movie. It was exactly like high school. Everything was very organized and very boring.

The one thing I’d learned was that having someone with you all the time did not take away the loneliness. You could be surrounded by people and be lonely. Something was missing. I could almost pinpoint it, but right when it was within my grasp I forgot; it just slipped away.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a study group for my literature class that Dank was no longer in. It bothered me that I missed him. I shouldn’t miss him. The excitement of walking into class knowing he might be there was gone now. I had the excitement of a well planned out relationship. I grabbed my book bag and headed out the door and down the steps. The loud screeching of metal and horns blaring stopped me. Then the twisting, crunching sound of metal against metal filled the air. People began pouring out of the dorm to see what happened. I walked with the crowd closer to the street where the two cars that had collided were now still. Smoke was streaming out of the hoods. The smaller car was upside down. I heard people screaming to call 911; others were crying.

The shattering of glass drew everyone’s attention to the car that had flipped. The weight the SUV was putting on the windows must have been too much. No one was moving in either car. I heard girls on their phones around me making phone calls and telling other people about the wreck. No one seemed to know who it was just yet.

It was then I felt him. I couldn’t see him but he was here. No one else seemed to notice. Why was it that I did? I scanned both the wrecked cars for any sign of him but he wasn’t visible. The fact I knew he was nearby didn’t frighten me. If I was honest with myself I wanted to see him. Warmth ran up my arms and I shivered. “Where are you?” I whispered.

I got no response.

The warmth only lasted a short time and then it was gone. Sirens began to blare and the crowd was moved back. I was numb.

He’d gone.

I was sad. Not because I knew someone in those cars had died. I was sad because he’d been close but I hadn’t been able to see him. Why would I want to see him? Was something wrong with me?

I pushed my way back through the crowd until I was free of the bodies pressed closely together as they tried to get a closer look at the accident. Taking a deep breath I walked over and sat down on the steps. I was positive that our study group would not meet tonight. I just hoped it was no one I knew in those vehicles.

My phone began ringing and I pulled it out to see Miranda’s number flashing on the screen.

“Hey.”

“Oh my god. Thank goodness you’re okay. I just saw the wreck on the news and it was right outside our dorm. They aren’t releasing any more information so I wasn’t sure. Jay is already on his way over there. I called him and he left work and headed your way.”

I wasn’t in the mood for Jay tonight. I wanted to go curl up in my room alone and pull out the necklace I’d hidden in my drawer. Dank had left it with me for a reason. I needed to understand why.

“I’m fine. I’m not sure they’ll let him through. I think they have roads blocked off. But I’ll call and let him know I’m safe. It is a bad one. No one knows who it is yet.”

“Call me as soon as you find out and you go inside and be safe,” Miranda said in a commanding voice. Smiling, I agreed and hung up.

By the time Jay arrived the cars were being towed off the road and the coroner had pronounced the driver of the smaller car dead and the body had been taken away. The passenger of the other vehicle had also been pronounced dead. All I could think about was that Dank had to live through this daily. It was something he could never escape. Did it bother him? Was there any emotion for him?

“Here, I brought you something to eat,” Jay said as he climbed the steps to the dorm and sat beside me. I hadn’t been able to walk away from the accident. I’d been sitting here watching it. Every moment. Every sob and wail of family members arriving to be told someone they loved was dead. I’d watched it all. They walked away tonight hating Death. It had taken from them. I could understand their pain but my chest ached for Dank. He didn’t cause the accident. He didn’t choose to have those people die. It was their bodies that couldn’t survive. It wasn’t his fault that their souls could no longer stay inside their bodies. But because of his name and his purpose people hated him. The event in everyone’s life wasn’t an event at all. It was a being. If they only understood that it wasn’t Death’s fault.

“I figured you hadn’t eaten anything,” Jay said as I took the bag from him. The smell of a greasy hamburger and greasier fries wafted up from the bag. He was right. I hadn’t eaten anything but my stomach wasn’t strong enough for food.

“I don’t think I can eat anything,” I said apologetically. It was nice of him to have thought of me but tonight I just wanted to go to bed and forget. Forget what I knew. Forget what I’d seen. It all hurt too much.

“You need to eat something. Come on, let’s go inside. Watching this isn’t good for you.”

I shook my head. I had to stay until it was finished. I couldn’t walk away just yet. “You can’t go inside this late. We should just stay right here.”

Jay reached over and took my hand in his. There was no instant rush of pleasure or excitement. He didn’t make my body react in any way. He was just my friend.

Dank

“I’m sick of the mopey shit. It is getting old. You can’t mope for the rest of eternity. Especially when you didn’t even fight for her. You drop the bomb on her that you end human life and then you expect her to accept you with open arms. This ain’t a damn soap opera.”

I paced back and forth outside Pagan’s dorm. It was three in the morning and I’d just finished my rounds. Seeing her tonight had made it impossible not to come back here when I was done.

“You know I’m right. She balked and hurt your feelings and you did the dark broody thing and left. Men are all the same.”

“Shut up, Gee. I don’t know what you expect me to do. She didn’t want to ever see me again. I was giving her what she wanted.”

Gee made a gagging sound. “No you were being a big baby. Poor Dank can’t get Pagan to remember him so he tucks his tail and runs. Her soul mate thanks you. He really does. Now he doesn’t have anything standing in his way.”

“That’s enough, Gee.”

“Whatev, you need to grow a pair. She asked where you were tonight. I know you heard her. Hell, I heard her, and I wasn’t the one pawing all over her. She wanted to see you then.”

I stopped pacing and looked up at the window where I knew she was sleeping. I’d said my goodbye. I’d given her a normal life just like she wanted. Had it been the wrong thing to do? If I had pushed her to remember, if I had tried harder to make her love me would it have worked?

“This is the unfair bitch of it all. She loves you. She just can’t remember. Not because her mind is sick, or her brain is damaged, but because the Deity took that memory from her. Even though her head can’t remember her heart does.”

I leaned against the brick wall and stared up at the dark sky. Would her heart win out? Could her heart trigger her memory? What if she remembered one day and I was gone? What then? Did I just lose her forever and have her think I didn’t want her? That I didn’t love her?

“What do I do, Gee?”

“You fucking fight is what you do. You fucking fight.”

“I don’t want to destroy her. I don’t want to hurt her. I just want her happy.”

“She’ll never be happy if she never remembers.”

Pagan

The door across the hall from mine was wide open when I stepped into the hall. A girl with tight black curls and an olive complexion was sitting on the bed talking to Janet, who shared that room with a girl name Tabby. The girl with curls waved at me and jumped up and ran to the door.

“Hey, we’ve not met yet. I’m Babes and yes, like for real that is my name, please do not ask. My mother smoked a lot of pot. Janet said you shared this room with your friend Miranda who is never here.”

She sure knew a lot about me. Janet stuck her head around the corner and her hair was up in a towel. “Morning, Pagan. Sorry about Babes and her morning chattiness. It can cause headaches.”

Babes rolled her brown eyes and beamed up at me. Not many people were shorter than me but Babes was barely five foot. Her mom’s pot smoking must have stunted her growth.

“Are you going to the Omega party tonight?”

Shaking my head I admitted, “I have no idea what that is.” I wasn’t a social bug. Just recently I’d been getting to know the other girls in my dorm.

“Ooooh, you have to go. The Omegas throw the best parties. They only let in attractive females. You’d get in, no problem.”

No thanks. I’d turned Jay down to all the ones he’d asked me to go to. I just couldn’t bring myself to participate. It didn’t sound like anything I was interested in.

“She’s gonna say no. She never goes anywhere except with the hottie that shows up to get her a few times a week.” Janet said from the chair she was sitting in brushing her hair.

“Oh come on. It’ll be fun. We can laugh at the insaneness together.”

I was going to be late to class. “I’ll think about it,” I said walking down the hall.

“It was nice meeting you,” she called out behind me.

She was a bubbly sort. “You too,” I replied and hurried toward the door before she could say anything else. I definitely needed coffee before I could handle her again.

I expected Jay to be outside waiting on me with a cup of coffee in his hand. But for the first time in weeks, he wasn’t. I had enough time to stop by the coffee house on my way to class if I hurried.

“Sleeping too late Peggy Ann, tsk tsk tsk.”

I stopped and spun around at the sound of Gee’s voice. She was sitting on the hood of her little black sports car.

“Gee?”

She rolled her eyes, “Last time I checked.”

I walked toward her, “What are you doing here?”

“I have something that belongs to you. I thought I’d bring it back. If I recall correctly you were real attached to it.”

What was she talking about? I was beside her car when she reached into her pocket and pulled something out and held out her hand. Slowly she opened it and nestled in the palm of her hand was a small gold brooch. It was a heart shaped filigree with pale pink stones. I’d seen this before. My heart pounded in my chest as I reached out and touched it.

“What is this?” I asked lifting my gaze from the brooch to Gee’s curious expression.

“I think you know. You should know. Why don’t’ you take this brooch and put it in your pocket. Think about it. See if a memory doesn’t find its way inside.”

I picked up the delicate brooch. It looked old but well cared for. My head started to spin as I held it. She was right. There was a memory here.

“Where did you get it?

“Why it’s a funny thing you should ask me that. I found it in your room. Right where you left it.”

How had she found this in my room? I didn’t remember ever putting this anywhere in my room. I looked back up at her to ask but she was gone.

I ran the pad of my thumb over the stones.

“Can you take this and give it to me after my soul leaves my body? I want to keep it.”

A sharp pain sliced through my head. I reached out and grabbed the side of the car to keep from falling.

“I gave you this brooch. I told you that I wanted to take it with me. You said that could be arranged and you slipped it into your pocket”

Another hot blaze rocketed through my head. I sank down to the cement below. What was happening? There were memories attached to this brooch. Things I’d forgotten. I dropped the brooch into my lap and grabbed my head with both hands as the pain grew stronger.

“But you never saw me again. Because your soul was erased off the charts. The only reason I remembered you was because of this brooch.”

“AAAAAAH!” I cried out in agony. With each memory that surfaced the pain in my head grew stronger.

“So, I came to watch you. To see what about this soul was so unique.”

I knew him. Dank. Oh god. I knew him. Tears blurred my vision as I curled up in a ball on the hard ground. No one could see me tucked away between two cars. I bite my lip to keep from making any more sounds as the memories laced through my mind one sentence at a time. Each touch. Each moment. I’d forgotten it all. A sob escaped me and I fought back the wail growing in my chest. How had I forgotten him? I loved him. He was everything to me. How could I forget him? I’d sent him away. The sobs grew louder and I gave up trying to keep quiet. Between the shattering of my heart and the explosion in my head I was unable to do little more than wither on the ground and weep.