“But?” he asks.

“But it feels like I’m finally saying goodbye to Mer for good too. Like it’s closure on the whole fucking thing.”

Luke sighs and slips his sunglasses on. “I’m sorry, man.”

I shrug one shoulder and concentrate on the freeway. “It is what it is.”

The funeral home isn’t far from our childhood home. There are several cars parked in the parking lot and some people standing outside, talking. Others are coming in and out of the wide red doors of the funeral home.

“Here goes nothing,” I whisper. Jesus, I haven’t been this nervous in years. Luke and I both slam our doors and walk toward the entrance. Luke looks like the millionaire celebrity in a custom designer suit. I’m also in a dark suit with a purple tie. Purple was Addie’s favorite color.

We walk through the front door and nod hello to a few people we know. Mom and Dad are quietly talking with another couple they know and wave at us when they see us then turn back to their conversation.

As we’re walking into the chapel area, I hear her voice.

Her voice.

I stop in my tracks and stare at her, standing up near the closed casket that’s covered in all of Addie’s favorite flowers, talking with the pastor. She’s dabbing at her eyes with a tissue and nodding. She hasn’t seen me yet, so I take a moment and drink in the sight of her.

She’s no longer the young woman I once knew so intimately. I knew every inch of her. I knew what turned her on and what made her squirm. What made her smile. What made her sigh in pleasure.

But better than that, I knew what made her laugh. What made her sad. How to cheer her up and even what she was going to say before she said it.

I knew everything.

She was my world, and even though I know I was too young, nothing will ever erase the way it felt to stand on her front porch and have her tell me she didn’t want me any more. I’ve fought with that particular demon for years.

She turns and sees me, her bright blue gaze locks on mine, and she’s suddenly coming toward me, walking quickly on those tall black heels. Her face crumples and to my utter shock, she launches herself into my arms and holds on with all her strength.

“I can’t believe she’s gone, M,” she whispers and buries her face in my neck, the way she always used to, as if no time has passed at all and my heart feels like someone is stabbing it over and over with an ice pick.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper back and wrap my arms around her, holding her against me. “I’m so sorry about Addie, M.”

“At least I got to spend Christmas with her,” she says and sniffles. “She wanted to make it through Christmas and she did.”

I nod and give in to the moment and kiss her head. Fuck me, she smells the same.

How is that possible?

“I don’t know what else to say, sweetheart,” I murmur and rub her back softly. She’s still so slender. So small. Her hips and breasts seem to have filled out more with womanhood, but she feels just like she always did in my arms.

Like she was born to be here.

Stop it, asshole!

She seems to come to her senses and pulls herself out of my embrace, wiping her eyes. She smiles at Luke.

“Hi, Luke.”

“Nice to see you, Meredith.” He kisses her cheek and leans in to whisper in her ear. She smiles softly and nods up at him when he pulls away.

A man I don’t recognize sidles up next to Mer and wraps his arm around her. “Are you okay, cupcake?”

Cupcake?

Luke and I glance at each other quickly, but a whole chapter of dialogue just passed between us.

Cupcake? Who the fuck calls his girl cupcake? How can she stand that?

And who the fuck is this asshole?

Meredith smiles at him and gestures to us.

“I’m fine, Jax. This is Mark and Luke Williams. They’re both old friends of mine.”

Right. Old friends. I spent the better part of a year inside you, sweetheart.

“This is Jax,” she continues.

Luke and I both nod and suddenly, music starts and the service is about to begin.

We find seats in the middle near our parents while Mer and Jax walk to the front of the room. I watch her walk away, my eyes glaring holes through the arm still wrapped around her shoulders.

She lets him call her cupcake?

“So, she has someone,” I whisper to Luke.

“He might just be a friend.”

I smirk and shake my head. What was I expecting anyway? Some kind of fucking reunion? If that’s what I expected to happen, I would have rushed to her side the minute I found out she was back in Seattle early last year.

Not gonna happen.

The service begins with music and then the pastor talks about Addie and her contributions to the community, her family, and prayers. After a few more words, he asks for volunteers to share stories about Addie. There are photos set up next to the casket. Photos of Addie and Meredith, and family photos from when Meredith was very young.

Meredith stands and walks to the podium, white tissues clutched in her small hand. I wish I were up there with her, to hold her hand while she struggles through this.

“Hi, everyone,” she begins and clears her throat. “Thank you all so much for coming today. Mom would be proud and happy that you all thought so highly of her. She sure loved all of you.”

I clench my hands in my lap and watch, my eyes trained on her face.

I’m so sorry, M.

“You all know that Mom and I lost Dad and Tiffany fifteen years ago,” she begins, referring to the car accident that took her father and sister from them when she was only thirteen. “I guess I just keep reminding myself that Mom’s with them now, and they’re so happy to see each other.”