His eyes avoided me as I stood watching him take his shirt off.  He undid his belt and unbuttoned his jeans.  My body was tingling with anger and lust.  I wanted him but the heavy disappointment that was running through me had to be dealt with first.

Before he could remove his jeans, I reached out and laid my hand on his.  “Stop,” I breathed into the tense air that surrounded us.

His hand stilled and he slowly lifted his head to look at me.  His eyes held something there that I never thought I’d ever see, and I flinched and pulled my hand away from his.  He didn’t want me here.

We stood watching each other.  Warily.  I hated it; this feeling of not knowing what he was thinking.  Of knowing that he would rather I not be here with him.

Finally, I spoke.  “Where have you been?”  Why don’t you want me?

“At the club.”  The smell of bourbon permeated the room.  He’d been drinking; J hardly ever drank.

“You’ve been drinking.”

“Christ, Madison.  Can we not get into this right now?”

“Let me guess, it’s been a long day and you’re wiped.”  I threw his words from last night back at him.

He shoved his hand through his hair and blew out a long breath.  “Yeah, it has.”

I don’t know what I expected him to say but it hadn’t been that.  A little more fight perhaps.  After all, it was what we did best.  But this, this resignation that bled from him was the last thing I’d expected.  There was something going on with J that he wasn’t telling me.  And as a woman, I struggled not to jump to conclusions.  I couldn’t stop myself though; it’s what women did best.  Random thoughts assaulted my mind; throwing various scenarios at me.  In the space of a couple of minutes I must have conjured up at least five different theories as to why he was acting this way.  And I knew that it was going to drive me insane.  And I hated that too.

Deciding the best course of action was to not provoke him, I nodded.  “Okay.”  I took one last look at him, and noting that the look in his eyes hadn’t changed, I left him and made my way back to the kitchen.

I stood at the bench, staring at the mess I’d created.  I lost track of how long I stood there but I guessed it must have been at least twenty minutes.  The shower wasn’t running anymore, however J never came back to the kitchen.  I knew he wouldn’t.  He would either be asleep or pretending to be by the time I went to bed.  My heart was hurting; I just wanted the J who had gone away four months ago back, not the J who had taken his place.

***

Sunday flew by without us talking about our problems.  J was called out to deal with some Storm issues so I was once again left alone.  Then Monday rolled around and I woke to discover J already gone again.  I forced myself out of bed and into the shower so I could get ready for work.  Disappointment sat heavy in my chest.

The morning passed by in a blur; shower, coffee, drive to work and then before I knew it, it was five o’clock and time to go home.  As I put the keys in the ignition of my car, I realised that I didn’t want to go home.  Didn’t want to see that look in J’s eyes again.

Shit.

I sat there for a long time, thinking.  And then I knew where I needed to be.  I started the car and drove on autopilot to the place that had saved my soul already this year.  It was my safe place and I needed it now.

Forty minutes later, I stood and said, “Hi, my name is Madison and I’m an alcoholic.”

Tonight’s meeting lasted just over an hour and I didn’t hang around afterwards.  I’d gotten what I’d needed and felt a little stronger, a little more able to attempt to talk to J tonight.  My day had been spent going over and over it in my mind and I knew that I needed to sort it out as soon as possible.  For my sanity if nothing else.

As I pulled into our driveway, I noted that he was home; his Jeep was parked in his side of the carport.  Knots formed in my stomach and I was tempted to hit reverse and leave.

“Put your fucking big girl panties on,” I chastised myself and put the car in park instead.  I quickly grabbed my bag and got out of the car before I changed my mind.

As I reached to open the front door, J flung it open from the inside, his eyes wild.  “Where have you been?  I’ve been fucking worried about you.”

My anger flared and I couldn’t hold it in any longer.  I shoved past him and stormed inside, throwing my bag on the bench when I hit the kitchen.  He’d followed me and I spun around to glare at him.  “You’re seriously kidding me!  I’ve spent the last God-knows-how-many nights waiting for you to come home with no word from you as to when that would be.  You don’t get to fucking yell at me for the same thing, J!”

“So this is tit for tat, is it?”

“No!  I was just pointing out the obvious.”

“It’s not the obvious, Madison.  You knew I was at work; I had no clue where you were seems as though you left work nearly three hours ago.  A simple phone call would have been enough.”

I stared at him incredulously.  “I didn’t know you were at work!” I yelled at him.

“Fuck, babe.  It wouldn’t have been hard to figure it out.  Where the fuck else would I be?”

“I don’t know, J.  You tell me.”