I’m panting. My hair sticks to my nape and temples with sweat. Perspiration covers my entire body and shines on his hard muscles.

I’m still shaking so bad, I don’t think I’ll ever come down off this high.

So this is what it means to be thoroughly fucked.

Xan doesn’t pull out of me, but he lays my feet on the mattress. His hot lips make their way up my belly, my breasts, and my neck before he removes his hand and claims my mouth in a rough kiss.

And then he’s moving inside me again, slow and measured, almost as if he’s savouring my body for the very first time.

Another type of pleasure grips me, one that’s filled with years of longing, of missed chances, and toxic habits.

Xander and I started with a tragedy, but we found company in it. We fought our pain with hugs and kisses and small touches.

Now, we’re fighting it in a different way. Now, we’ll taste it on each other’s tongue and see it in the scars left behind, whether physical or emotional.

And with pain comes release.

With pain comes freedom.

I’ve never felt freer than when I’m held down by him.

He’s slowly but surely taking away my pain, and I’ll also take his.

He might have been my knight, but I’ll be his now. I’ll bring back his armour and his sword.

So he can stop the war.

His hips jerk with the power of his thrusts. The moment he flicks my clit, I’m a goner again.

Completely. Thoroughly. With no way back.

“I’m going to miss this, Green,” he grunts. “I’m going to miss you when I’m gone.”

 

 

37

 

 

Xander

 

 

There are a few expressions I never want to witness again on Kim’s face.

The first is that pale, hollow one with her wrists slit.

The second is seeing her cry, because she does it with so much pain, it rips me open.

The third is the fake look and the smiles she’s forced in the past in order to appear normal.

Now, I find another one.

Fear.

As she lies in my arms while we’re facing each other, she stares at me with widened eyes and her chin trembles, although she’s clearly trying to control it.

It’s not working.

She’s about to break down and there’s no way around it.

As I watch her, I wish there was an option where I could stop it. If it means I have to rip my heart out and lay it before her on a plate, then so fucking be it.

“W-what is that supposed to mean?”

I say nothing. I don’t know what to say.

She grips my bicep with her tiny hand. I can’t help staring at those scars – long, disfigured, and a witness of the time she had no other way to go. Even though the bracelet hides some of them, they’re still visible and angry against the world.

A world I’m leaving her alone in.

“Xander, you said you’ll miss me. Where are you going?” she insists.

I take her hand in mine and brush my lips against her scars, and like every fucking time, she shivers, as if I’m not kissing her skin but her soul.

“To heal,” I say against her most beautiful part. The proof she’s a survivor.

“T-to heal?”

“Rehab. Dad and I agreed on the thirty-day program, but it could go to the sixty-day one.”

“Oh,” the word leaves her lips in a breath. She’s happy about it, but like me, she has that imminent doom lurking in her expression.

The fact of our separation.

I stroke her green strands back. Another beautiful part – her quirky old self shining through. It’s proof that the little girl is still there, broken but able to pull her pieces together.

“Then there’s the whole shitstorm with my mother. If she carries on with her threats, we’ll be under a lot of scrutiny for being siblings and I don’t want you in the middle of that.”

She places a hand in front of my mouth, cutting off my sentence. “I don’t care what the world says. You were never and will never be my brother. I have one sibling and it’s not you.”

I kiss her fingers before removing them. “Thank fuck for that.”

She bites on the corner of her lip. “Dad says we might have to leave the country altogether.”

“Mine did, too.”

“I don’t care, you know.”

“No?”

She threads her fingers through mine. “It’s not places that keep me rooted, it’s people. This place is my home because you’re all in it. If we go together, we’ll just be relocating home.”

I’m glad she’s thinking like that, even though she’s forgetting important things – like our friends and everyone we know.

But I keep that to myself and change the subject. “If this shitstorm had never happened, where were you planning to go next year?”

“Imperial College, and I was going to take Kirian with me. There’s no way in hell I was leaving him with Jeanine. Now that Dad is around, my plans have slightly changed.”

“To what?”

“I don’t know. The sky is my limit.” She strokes the back of my hand. “What about you? Do you still want to go to Harvard?”

“How do you know about that?”

She blushes. “I heard you talk to Lewis once.”

I smirk. “Stalker.”

“Shut up. So? Are you?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I only wanted to go there because it was the farthest place I could go to be away from you. I chose it to escape you. Now, that won’t be happening, even if you beg for it.”

Her smile is contagious and I can’t help pulling her cheek to me and kissing it.

“Then what’s your plan now?” she asks.

“You.”

“M-me?”

“Yes, you. Wherever you go, I go.”

“Come on. You must have some dream in mind. Do you still like reading the economic part of the news?”

“Yes, I do.”

“So you’re following business?”

“Probably, but only if it doesn’t keep me away from you.”

“Of course it wouldn’t. Besides, sacrifices need to be made for success.”

“The only sacrifice I’m making is the rehab. I mean, healing, not sacrifice.”

Her expression falls and her deep green eyes fill with wretchedness.

“When are you going?” she asks in a small voice.

“Tomorrow.”

“That soon?” Her words break at the end.

“Yeah, Lewis Knight’s friends work fast.”

“They do.”

“I’m sorry.”

I also don’t want to leave this soon, but I have to do it anyway, so I might as well rip it as a Band-Aid.

“Don’t be.” She leans over and brushes her lips against mine. “I’m proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you, too, Green.”

A tear falls down her cheek and she wipes it away quickly.

I cup her chin. “Hey, what is it?”

“It’s just, I waited so long to hear you say something like that to me.”

I kiss her tear away. “From now on, you’ll be hearing it the entire fucking time. You’re mine, Green, and I’ll protect you with my life.”