It takes everything in me not to throw myself at him in a hug and ruin his cardigan sweater. “You’re the only dad for me, too.”

He clears his throat. “Lewis isn’t bad either.”

“How can you defend him? Mum had an affair with him.”

“Jeanine lied to him, giving proof that Samantha and I had an affair first.”

My lips part. “S-Samantha Knight?”

He nods. “We had a fling before our marriages, but that’s all it was, a fling. It ended before our respective marriages and each of us went on different roads. We became neighbours, but Samantha and I remained platonic. Jeanine made Lewis believe it was a long affair and demanded revenge. They had their own affair, but it only lasted until she discovered she was pregnant with Lewis’s child. After he found out the facts from me, their affair came to an end.”

I squirm in my seat, but I manage to ask, “So everyone knows I’m Lewis’s biological daughter? Aunt Samantha included?”

“Yes.”

How could she be so kind to me, knowing I’m her husband’s daughter out of an affair?

“Everyone also knows Lewis isn’t Xander’s biological father.”

If my jaw could hit the ground, it would. “T-then who is?”

“I am.” He smiles a little. “He’s the result of that fling with Samantha. Lewis knew about it from the beginning and we made the decision that he and Samantha would raise him as their son. Just like we made the decision that Jeanine and I would raise you as ours.”

My head spins with the amount of information shot in my direction at one go.

Xan is Dad’s son.

I’m Lewis’s daughter.

But we’ve switched fathers. It makes my head hurt.

“Then whose son is Kir?”

He smiles. “Mine and Jeanine’s. There’s nothing in there.”

Oh, okay.

“I know this is too much to take, Angel, and I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but I don’t want you to kill your happiness because of adults’ mistakes.” He pats my hand. “You live in the present, okay?”

I’m an adult, too, and I’ve already made a lot of mistakes.

Most of all, hiding and allowing the fog to swallow me whole.

“So…” I gulp, the question burning at the back of my throat. “So this means Xander isn’t my brother?”

“Not at all.”

I smile as I give Dad the hug I’ve been meaning to. “I love you so much, Dad.”

Xander isn’t my brother.

Not at all.

 

 

28

 

 

Xander

 

 

“I’m here if you want to talk.”

I stare at my room’s door after Dad leaves. I might need some sort of alcohol for my ears because I think the almighty Lewis Knight just offered to listen.

It’s already weird as fuck he didn’t tell me to get my shit together, but to go as far as being an actual parent?

Who knew that concept existed in his vocabulary?

Dad is the last one on my mind, though. After our decision – or rather, his – the only thing I keep craving is a look at her, or even a peek would do.

I can be fucking selfish and ask for a touch, but that would be torture in the long run and I’ve been tortured enough through the years.

Apparently not enough, fucker, because you’re still thinking about it.

Shut up, brain.

I stand in front of my balcony, in the middle of my last spying session. However, the Reeds’ house is dark and silent, which means they’re probably asleep.

My fucker friends left earlier and Ronan made sure to wave at me from down there, ensuring I saw him.

Wanker.

The bright side, she was smiling and appeared happy, considering the way her eyes brightened and her shoulders didn’t droop.

I meant what I said in the hospital, she’s strong and will get through this. She’ll stand tall and embrace her scars and blemishes and everything in between. Kim has an unyielding spirit and while it broke, it can be mended now that Calvin and Elsa know.

It might take time, but she’ll be fine.

I’m the one who won’t.

I’m the one who’ll stay up every night thinking about her, then curse myself for thinking about her.

It’ll be an endless, vicious cycle I’ll have neither the power nor the will to stop.

Maybe I should go confess or something. Or is my sin too big for that? I don’t want the priest to drown me in holy water or chase me with a bat.

There’s another simple solution that’s hiding in my drawer in the form of a bottle. Dad banished all the liquor from the house and told Ahmed to donate them. The joke’s on them. I always have a hidden bottle somewhere.

If I’m going to quit, I might as well go out with a hurrah. Being sober for days sucks. The itch is like an urge that consumes me from the inside out. It won’t leave me until that burn tickles my throat.

The door opens and I sigh. Of course, Dad would return to ruin my fun. I understand the sudden hit with parenthood, but come on, we need a break from each other.

I need a break from hating my father because he’s her father.

I need a break from thinking he ruined my life.

I need a break from him. Full stop.

“I’m not interested in talks, Dad. Leave me the fuck alone.”

I expect him to reprimand me for ‘language’ in his stern politician voice, but there’s no answer.

Maybe he got the memo this time.

Small arms wrap around my waist from behind. “I’m not leaving you alone anymore.”

What the…? Am I getting drunk without alcohol now?

Either that or I’m going crazy, because nothing explains the soft hands resting on my stomach or the voice that should only visit in my dreams.

And my hell once I’m dead.

Because I have no doubt I’m going straight there. Do I regret it? For her, yes. For me, not at all.

I kind of made peace with my demons after long years of struggle, and they’re against the holy water idea.

My demons spill out to invade my space and whisper those thoughts that, while sinful, feel so fucking right.

One last time.

One last touch.

One last push into madness.

What do you have to lose?

It could be the demons or my demented mind, but I remain still, soaking in her warmth that’s creeping into me and filling me with a weird sense of comfort.

It’s when she tightens her arms around my waist that I realise it’s neither because of the alcohol or a dream, like the other time.

Kim is here and she’s hugging me.

I grab her hand and attempt to yank it. While a part of me wants her to stay there forever, this will only fill her with regrets later.

A moment of weakness will rule her life and before she knows it, all her actions will be eating away at her soul like cancer.

That’s how I felt after the kiss and the oral sex. I felt so much guilt towards her, it drew a hole in my chest and I had to fill it with bottles and bottles of alcohol.

Spoiler alert, it never worked.

She doesn’t release me, her clutch turning hard and unyielding while her chest presses against my back.

Fuck me.

“Let me go, Kim.” My voice is thick, wrong.