“Maybe you heard wrong,” I say. “Maybe they weren’t –”

“I heard them again a few years later. Dad always gave Jeanine shit for the way she treated you. He made it his job to threaten her for not taking care of his daughter, of you.” He runs a hand through his hair. “You never noticed how he looks at you?”

“I-I thought it was Kir and that maybe he was Kir’s dad.” God. I didn’t even want to think about that option, but now, it turns out to be way worse.

Xander is my brother, half-brother, but it still counts as a blood sibling.

I kissed my brother.

I had oral sex with my brother.

I’ve fantasised about my brother my entire life.

Oh, God.

Oh. My. Freaking. God.

I think I’m going to throw up.

“Hey.” He leans over, reaching a hand for my face.

I slap it away, my heart beating so loudly, I’m scared it’s going to come to an imminent halt. “Don’t touch me.”

“I won’t; you’re right.” He sits back down, his shoulders hunched.

Defeated.

He looks like a knight out of a lost battle, his armour broken, and his face bruised.

I’ve never hated someone as much as I hate him right now.

“Why did you tell me?” My voice raises. “Why didn’t you take it with you to the grave?”

He could’ve just rejected me like always, and I would’ve moved on. Eventually. Now, I’ll always think of him as my brother.

And that is torture.

The worst fucking torment he could inflict on me.

“Because you did that.” He motions at my bandaged wrist. “I can’t watch you self-destruct because of me, Kim. I can’t watch you being hurt.”

“You did that just fine all these years. Why now? Why did you decide you care now?”

“I’ve always cared. Every time I pushed you away, I sliced myself deeper. The more I pretended you don’t exist, the harder I noticed you. There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about you or watched you. And that’s not right, Kim. That’s not right at fucking all.”

“Because we’re siblings?”

He shakes his head. If pain could be tasted, I’d be burning in acid from the way his expression falls. “Because I never thought of you as a sibling. Because I want you as a woman and because I’m considering hell as a permanent resident as long as I get to be with you. Because I feel jealous and fucking crazy whenever anyone gets close to you. Because I want to be your first and last and fucking everything.”

He’s breathing harshly by the time he finishes, as if it took all his energy to say those words. Then he sighs. “But as I said, that’s not right, not to you.”

My chin shakes so hard until my jaw hurts. Hearing those confessions out of his lips is like being shoved into a dark murky tunnel with no way out.

There’s a strange ache in my heart, something a lot different than the fog and depression. It’s deeper and scarier, and all I want to do is let go.

But to go where?

To who?

“Dad mentioned rehab and some school in the north,” he says.

I couldn’t speak if I wanted to, so I stare up at him with widened eyes.

“I’m leaving, Kim.” He smiles, and although his dimples appear, it’s the saddest, most wrenched smile I’ve seen on his face. “It’s better for all of us.”

My gulp is loud in the silence, but I don’t say anything. I can’t.

“You’re strong, so don’t believe otherwise. You’re loved, so don’t let that bitch Jeanine tell you any different, and don’t be shy to lean on Calvin, Elsa, and Kirian. Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it. They care about you more than you know.”

No.

“Instead of dancing alone, dance with others. Instead of living alone, lean on others. Instead of purging the pain, talk about it.”

No.

“Live well.”

No!

I want to scream, but no words come out.

He heads to the door with steady steps. My heart weeps as his back remains the only sight. His tight, broad back that I probably will never see again.

Without turning around, he says, “You’ll always be my Green.”

And with that, he’s out of the door, leaving trails of blood in his wake.

 

 

26

 

 

Kimberly

 

 

Two days later, the psychiatric ward decides I’m good to go home.

The trip back is like a one-way journey to hell. As I come out of Dad’s car, I stand there for long seconds, staring at the Knights’ mansion.

A part of me is yearning for one more look. I don’t even have to talk to him, all I need is to see him.

We can just watch each other from afar like we have all these years.

Until we crossed lines. Or he did. I didn’t know we were blood siblings.

If I had, I would’ve…what? What exactly would I have done?

God, this is messing me up.

Dad escorts me inside with a hand around my shoulder. I’m like a zombie, following him, but not exactly participating.

“Welcome home!”

Some confetti flies in the air as I focus on the smiling faces waiting for me – Elsa, Ronan, Teal, Knox, Cole, Aiden, and even Silver.

What the hell is Silver doing here?

I don’t focus on her, though, since a small man attacks me in a hug. I crouch and wrap my arms around Kirian in a strong embrace, my heart thudding loudly in my chest.

“Kimmy, I missed you so much!”

“I missed you, too, Monkey. Have you been a good boy without me?”

“Always.” He grins, then motions at Marian. “I helped Mari with everything.”

I mouth thank you at her and she nods with moisture pooling in her eyes.

Crouching, I kiss his cheeks harder than needed. “That’s my monkey.”

Elsa hugs me next, her eyes welling with tears. She’s been with me the whole time and she didn’t blame me for not telling her. She said she understands and that’s all I need.

Dad smiles at me, motioning upstairs. I nod back, knowing he needs to freshen up and change. He never once left my side during all those tests and doctor meetings. We already agreed on a therapy plan and he said he’ll be there with me every step on the way.

Still, even with Dad’s support, nothing can get rid of the lump that’s been lodged in my throat since that night.

It’s asphyxiating and slowly robbing me of life.

Mum isn’t around and I’m not surprised. Dad said he told her not to come out of her studio – not that she would.

“Look at you, all rosy and shit.” Knox grabs me by the shoulder in a side hug. “May I have this dance?”

Ronan slides to my other side, glaring at him. “Hey, hands off, fucker. Kimmy is my girlfriend.”

“As if you’d ever have a girlfriend.” Knox shoots back.

“I would. It’s Kimmy.”

Teal scoffs.

“Do you have a problem, ma belle?” Ronan grins at her.

She pushes them both away with surprising strength, considering her size compared to theirs. “You’re suffocating her. Leave her alone.”