How the hell does he know about those?

“Yes, sir,” I say, and there’s surprisingly no sarcasm like when I speak to Dad.

Maybe it’s because I respect Calvin and the role he’s playing in his daughter’s life.

“I’ll go grab a coffee.” He releases me and vanishes around the corner.

I continue watching him, making sure he’s gone before I step inside the room. It smells of antiseptic, but there’s also that slight lime smell from her.

Kim leans sideways, rummaging through her drawers. Her skin isn’t as pale as that night. Her hair falls on either side of her shoulders like a green halo.

She’s so beautiful, it’s physically painful.

And she’s alive, breathing, moving.

She’s alive and right there.

If I don’t do something, she might try it again, and maybe next time, Calvin or I won’t be there and it’ll be too late.

“Dad, did you see my Kindle? I think I put it here, but maybe –” Her words cut off as her eyes meet mine.

They widen to a huge green colour and sparkle a little, shine a little, but die a little, too.

Ouch.

I deserve that.

“What are you doing here?” she whispers. “Get out.”

I deserve that, too.

But I’m not leaving until she knows everything.

It’s the moment of truth.

 

 

23

 

 

Kimberly

 

 

Today, the therapist told me to say what I hate, that I should let it out.

I said I hated how Mum treated me and how the bullies at school talked about me. I said I hated fat shaming and diets.

But I kept what I hated the most to myself.

I hate how much my heart flutters when Xander is in sight or how I forget what I was trying to do the moment he comes into my vicinity.

Both his hands are shoved into his jeans. His lower lip is busted and cut and his ocean-deep eyes appear even more bottomless, exhausted, as if he hasn’t slept for days.

He appears a little bit broken, a little bit haunted, a little bit wounded.

Just like me.

And I hate that even more.

I hate that he was the one who found me and that he saw me in that state.

I hate that I’m grateful to him in ways words can’t express.

I hate that I keep looking at the door, expecting him to come in any second, and how I feel gutted every time he doesn’t.

I hate that I wanted to see him, even though I have no interest in seeing my mum.

But most of all, I hate him.

The boy, the person, who cut me off from his life and left me to fend for myself.

The knight I took refuge in, but he offered no shelter.

The person I shared my life with, but he erased me as if I were never there.

I trusted him and he betrayed me. I can forgive anything but that.

“Get out,” I repeat in a firm voice.

Now that I had my fill of him – as dishevelled as he is – I can live without wondering about him one more day.

I told Elsa and Dad about everything, although I had to struggle with the tears in Elsa’s eyes and how they both blamed themselves for not seeing the signs sooner.

They couldn’t have, because I was pro-level at hiding them. Besides, they both had a lot to deal with. Dad had his demanding work and Elsa had her complicated family situation and volatile relationship with Aiden.

Now that they offered their full support, I don’t need Xander to see me anymore.

I might be broken, but I’ll pull myself together. I might have fallen, but I’ll get up. There’ll be a day where I look behind and say I survived.

And I don’t need him to be there for that.

Xander sits on the chair Dad usually occupies, his attention never leaving my bandaged wrist. A small voice inside me tells me to hide it, but I squash that voice.

There’ll be no more hiding. This is me, the only me.

“Didn’t you hear what I said?” I continue in my confident tone. “I told you to go. I don’t want to see you, just like you don’t want to see me.”

“I lied about that.” His voice is calm, too calm. It raises goosebumps on my skin.

“You lied?”

“I lie about a lot of things. I’m a liar.” He’s still speaking in that neutral tone as if any other range will ruin his composure.

“Things like what?”

“Like how much I hate you. I don’t. Or how much you’re nothing. You aren’t. Or how I can live without you. I can’t.”

My breathing hitches and I dig my nails into the hospital’s sheet. “If you’re saying that because of what happened to me or out of pity, I swear –”

“I don’t pity you.” He cuts me off.

“Then why are you saying those things now? Why do you think you can come in here and say shit like that after you told me to disappear from your life?”

“I told you –”

“You lied, you don’t mean them.” I cut him off, repeating his earlier words. “Doesn’t mean I didn’t believe them. Doesn’t mean you didn’t make me cry every time you pretended I was nothing. Why would you ever do that to me? That child prank doesn’t warrant this much torment. It doesn’t warrant that you treat me as if I’m invisible. I’m visible, I’m here, and I’m always looking at you, so why don’t you look at me?”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll hate me if you know.”

“Tell me and I’ll decide myself. I lived through this torment for years; I have the right to know.”

He lifts his eyes and the wretchedness in them nearly breaks me all over again. “The truth isn’t always good, Green.”

“I want to know why. Tell me why!”

“Because you’re my sister.”

 

 

24

 

 

Xander

 

 

Age eleven

 

 

“Luna!” I call the cat’s name as I walk into the forest. “Come here, kitty.”

She’s such a pain, like Green sometimes.

I called her for more than five minutes and she still didn’t show up. Here’s to hoping she didn’t get caught in one of the trees.

Actually, if she did get caught, she would’ve brought the entire world down with her mewling.

I slide down a small cliff to the riverbank. Maybe she came here to drink.

Kim must be worried. She’s always weird whenever Luna disappears, saying things like maybe she was hit by a car and died.

Luna doesn’t even go to the road. She’s too lazy for that.

There are many weird things about Kim, like the way she smiles and the way she eats and the way she laughs.

I say weird, but Cole says that’s because I want to kiss her. He’s wrong, I don’t want to kiss her.

Okay, maybe I do, but I also don’t want her to hate me, so I only did it once.

She smiled, though, her eyes sparkling, so maybe she doesn’t hate me?

Cole says I have to do it a few more times to find out and that’s what I plan.

I search beneath the bushes for a silver tabby, but there’s no trace of Luna. It’s getting dark and it reminds me of that time when Cole, Aiden, and I were taken away.