Doesn’t exist anymore

I pretend her words don’t slice me open and leave a bottomless hole that’s feeding on my life essence.

My smile turns threatening. “You owe me, Berly. Remember?”

She finally faces me, expression stern, determined. Closed off. “I owe you nothing. I’m done begging for a forgiveness you’ll never grant. I’m done with you and your games and your cold shoulder. I. Am. Done.”

And with that, she pulls on Ronan’s hand and brushes past me without a glance.

Without a look behind her.

I can clutch her by the wrist and pull her back. I can bring her to my side and let the world know she’ll always belong there.

But I don’t have the right to.

That knowledge slices me open more than her words. It deepens the hole, making it unrecognisable. Almost as if it’s from another universe.

“Say it,” Ronan whispers so only I can hear him as he follows her. “One word.”

Stop.

That’s the word he’s waiting to hear, and I know he’ll let go. Or I can make him with a few more punches.

My face hardens as I watch him take her from between my fingers. I stand there like a bloody fool, unable to do the one thing I ever wanted in my life.

Sometimes, what you want is the one thing you can’t get.

The one thing that will be taken away from you.

Ronan shakes his head and goes with her.

I watch their backs disappearing into the school building, and it feels as if my entire life has gone with them.

My phone vibrates with a text.

Ronan: You had your chance and you lost it.

Ronan: I’ll send pictures.

I throw the phone against a tree, making it crack. The only words that keep running in my head is her voice, her words, her resignation.

I. Am. Done.

 

 

14

 

 

Kimberly

 

 

“Ronan?” Elsa nearly shrieks and I cover her mouth with my palm.

We’re sitting around a table in her house’s garden. Since it’s a rare sunny day, we decided to study outside. We’re sipping on juice. Or rather, Elsa is. I’ve only drunk water since I got here.

Water makes you full and keeps some of the hunger away.

She removes my hand and whisper-hisses, “You’re going on a date with Ronan?”

“It just happened.” I scribble a line with my pencil on a draft paper.

“You don’t go with things just because they happen.” Elsa pushes her notebook away, her eyes narrowing like a detective with a criminal. “Is it because of Xander?”

I told her about the kiss and the fight between the two of them earlier, because if I didn’t, I would’ve gone crazy trying to figure out what the hell happened.

Even now, I have no idea what’s going on.

“No. I mean maybe…” I stare at her from underneath my lashes. “Is it wrong that I want normal for once?”

“Of course not.” Elsa’s expression softens. “You were always a romantic at heart; it’s not weird to want that. What’s wrong is to push yourself to go down a road just because the circumstances forced you.”

“Isn’t that what happened between you and Aiden?”

“Not really. I didn’t have to force myself to be with Aiden. It was the other way around. I had to force myself to ignore the connection we had, because he scared the living fuck out of me.” She pats my hand once. “I don’t want to see you making the same mistake.”

“It’s not the same. Aiden has always looked at you like you’re his world and chased you relentlessly. All Xander’s ever done is push me away. At first, it was painful, then it became a permanent ache, and now, I can’t breathe. I want to breathe, Elsa.”

My eyes fill with tears and her face scrunches as if she can feel my pain and shares it. Elsa is known as Frozen at school because she has an epic resting bitch face and that ‘I don’t care about the world’ attitude. To see her this concerned about me warms my heart and pushes that fog back a bit.

“I’m with you, whatever you decide, Kim. If you think you’ll be happy with Ronan, then I’m all for it. Just…don’t force yourself into something you don’t want, okay? It’ll only eat you from the inside out.”

I nod, wiping away the moisture with my forefinger.

“You still haven’t told me what was on your mind that day at the hospital?” Her attention is still zeroed on me.

I pull my hand from hers and clutch a pen, pretending to read through my notes, even though they’re blurry lines. “It’s nothing.”

“It didn’t seem as if it was nothing, Kim.”

I was going to tell Elsa about the cutting, but I chickened out again, and now, my mind is in a mush. Peeking at her, I wet my lips. Maybe I can ask her for help, maybe I can say it.

You like Elsa too much, so you do everything to appear perfect in front of her, and by doing that, you kill parts of yourself slowly, thinking if she actually saw your true self-harming, vein-cutting, pill-popping self, she’d give up on you.

Xan’s words play in my mind on a loop. He hit the nail on the head with that one, the bastard.

I really do love Elsa too much to stress her out or worse, to bring something that will ultimately make her disgusted with me.

Once upon a time, Xander was my best friend and he became repulsed with me. Silver was also my friend, but she eventually pulled away from me as if we were never close.

Even though I know in my heart that Elsa is different, I can’t take the risk of losing her, too.

What if she doesn’t understand why I brought that blade to my veins? Or why I think about repeating it every day since?

What if, instead of understanding, there will be judgemental looks or, worse, pity?

I know I’m only buying time. When Dad returns, he’ll know. He always seems to know so much about me. Maybe if I tell Dad, I’ll tell her, too.

Maybe.

I’m about to deflect when Teal runs out of the house, cursing. She’s wearing jeans ripped at the knees, under which there are fishnet stockings.

Elsa laughs, her attention being robbed by her foster sister. “Knox spooked you again?”

“He’s a twat.” Teal regulates her breathing and takes a deep one as she watches me peculiarly for a second before she joins us.

Her white T-shirt for the day reads, No Man’s Land.

“Nice one.” I smile at her, thankful she saved me from Elsa’s questioning. I know my best friend will revisit the subject one day, but that day isn’t today.

Besides, when that day comes, I’ll just be ready for it.

Teal nods but says nothing as she sits on the other side of Elsa. Usually, she’d settle between us, and I’ve always thought it’s because she sees me as the middle line between her and her sister. I thought we were becoming friends. Hell, she even goes to Elites’ games with me.

Just not anymore.

Lately, she’s been keeping her distance as if she doesn’t want to be involved with me. Not that it should be a surprise. I don’t have the best track record with friends.

“Are you guys going to the game?” Elsa asks us.

“Wait, you’ll go?” Teal twirls the earbuds between her fingers.