“Okay,” I reply uneasily as we leave the garage.

When we reach the porch, he stops to pat me on the shoulder. “You’re a good kid, even if you don’t always think so.”

I feel lost. It somehow feels like he knows my fear of unworthiness. “Thanks.” I start to wonder if maybe Dr. Gardingdale was right. Maybe my unworthiness is in my head, my own inner demon that no one else can see. I only wish I could find a way to get completely past it.

Wish on a thousand stars that, one day, somehow, my life will be normal.

Chapter 8

Ayden

Dinner is pretty normal. The only exception is Fiona teasing me about Lyric, but I can handle that. Thankfully, Kale has moved on from his crush on Lyric, so I don’t have to worry about him getting upset.

“I can’t believe you guys fooled around with the door open,” Fiona teases with a smirk as she butters a roll.

“Fiona Gregory,” Lila warns as she passes the bowl of corn to Everson, “leave your brother alone.”

Fiona dramatically rolls her eyes but does as she’s told, keeping her lips zipped.

“Now, let’s talk about something else,” Lila says cheerfully. “Does anyone have anything exciting happening in their life?”

“I finally asked Mandy out,” Kale says, cutting into his steak. “We’re going to a movie on Friday, if that’s okay?”

“Who’s Mandy?” Ethan asks, pouring himself some wine. “I thought you had a thing for Lyric.” He pulls a whoops face. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t go there, right?”

“I stopped liking Lyric when I found out Ayden was dating her.” Kale reaches across the table for the butter.

Lila stares at Kale in shock. “Wait? How long have you known about them?”

Kale gives a noncommittal shrug. “I don’t know. For, like, a couple of months.”

Lila’s eyes narrow on me. “You two have been together for months?”

“Um . . .” I rub the back of my neck. “Kind of.”

“I figured as much when I saw you guys backstage at the concert,” Ethan absent-mindedly remarks as he drenches his steak in barbeque sauce.

“And what happened backstage?” Lila seems to grow angrier by the second.

Ethan sets down the bottle of sauce then picks up his fork and knife. “I thought I caught them when they were about to kiss.”

“Why didn’t you say anything until now?” she asks, sounding hurt.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that, but I knew, if it was true, everyone would act all crazy, which you guys did.” He starts slicing his steak. “I figured I’d let them tell you when they were ready and give them some time without constantly being pressured.”

Lila’s shoulders slump in defeat. “All right, you have a point.” She frowns as if greatly disappointed by that fact. “You’re off the hook.”

“Thanks,” Ethan says, shooting me a discreet smile.

I chuckle under my breath and reach for the bowl of potatoes.

“So, I want to go to football camp this summer,” Everson announces, breaking the silence.

I’m extremely grateful as the conversation shifts from me to him. I remain fairly quiet for the rest of dinner, lost in my thoughts about what happened in my bedroom with Lyric. How she traced her fingers up and down my back. How I was terrified out of my mind, afraid of the memories clipping at the surface. Afraid because . . . It felt too fucking nice. I found myself wanting to explore more, and that scared me out of my goddamn mind.

I’ve never felt like that before.

You make me feel things I didn’t know were real.

How can that be possible?

I thought I was never going to be whole again,

That I’d remain a broken shell,

Cracked in places that could never be fixed.

Now, everything I believed is withering,

Fading into something I can’t explain.

Please, please, don’t let me down.

Give me hope

And let me fade away.

“Ayden, are you all right?” Lila interrupts my thoughts.

I rip myself from my daze, realizing I’m the only one left at the table.

“Yeah. Sorry. I guess I just zoned off.” The legs of the chair scrape against the tile floor as I scoot back from the table.

“Okay.” She picks up an empty bowl and carries it to the sink. “Would you mind helping me do the dishes? There’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”

I start stacking the dirty plates on the table. “What’s up?”

“Well, I talked to Detective Rannali about letting you read the letter your sister wrote, like you asked.” She opens the dishwasher and places a few plates inside. “Unfortunately, they can’t let you read the letter yet, because it’s important evidence as of now.”

Even though I was expecting that answer, it’s still frustrating.

“Okay, thanks for trying.” My shoulders sink as reality crushes me down into the ground.

Down. Down. Down.

Into the dirt,

Burying me alive, right along with the hurt.

Suffocating, smothering, where is the air?

Hidden with the pain in a sea of despair.

Down. Down. Down,

Into the dirt.

Pull me from the despair, help me survive.

Please, someone help me.

Don’t let me die.

Lift me from the darkness and into the light—

Out of the dirt, out of the pain, away from the hurt.