When I finally find my phone, I answer.

“Hello?”

“Babe.”

“Hi, baby. What’s going on? I can’t talk for too long. The store is getting busier and I still have to try on the clothes I found,” I say, sounding breathless.

Ben laughs. “You can buy whatever you want as long as you don’t buy more of those frilly things you wear to bed that I always end up taking off, or shredding with my fingers.” I look down at the set I’m wearing and notice how stretched they are.

Feeling sweltering shame burn my face, I slide them off my legs and toss them on the floor. Now I’m completely na**d. Clean on the outside yet so, so dirty on the inside.

“Um, Ben…I—”

“It’s alright. I’ve got to go. I was just calling to let you know I won’t be home for dinner. I have to go over some paperwork. Kerry is staying and helping me out, so we’ll probably just order take out.”

At the mention of Kerry’s name, my senses begin to tingle but I smother them right away. I have no right to question anything. I was just sitting on Arsen’s dick.

“Oh, okay.” I’m about to say that I have to hang up when I feel Arsen’s hand in between my legs, his fingers finding and invading my pulsating core.

He leans down and whispers in my ear, “Tell him you’re busy and that you have to let him go.” He pushes harder inside me. “I want to f**k you now.”

“Is that Arsen?” There’s disbelief in his voice.

Arsen chuckles as he keeps stroking me. I want to whimper because of the things his wicked hand is doing to my body, desire flooding my senses. Arsen steps closer to me until his erection is wedged in between my ass and his stomach.

“Y-yes, baby. That’s Arsen.” My voice is shaky.

I try to move away from him, but he won’t let me. His free arm snakes around my waist tightly, holding me in place.

“Don’t you f**king dare, Catherine. You’re mine for now,” he whispers harshly before nipping me in the ear. The sweet man from a couple minutes ago is gone and in his place is the old Arsen, cold and crude. His thumb furiously rubs my cl*tas his fingers continue to slide in and out of me.

“What the hell are you doing with him? I thought you were shopping.” He sounds angry.

Suppressing a whimper, I try to come up with a valid excuse as to why I’m with Arsen. I try to find the right lie to deliver to the man on the other line. The man that I supposedly love so much, my faithful and steadfast husband.

“I-I ran into him. He’s here with his mother.”

I know he doesn’t believe me. Ben is quiet for a minute. A minute too long. “I’ve got to go. Bye,” he says frostily.

The coldness in his voice scares me, prompting me to stop him from hanging up. “Wait!” I use all my force to push Arsen away. This time it works because he lets me go as I step into the middle of the room.

“Yes?” I hear Ben ask.

My body and mind are at odds because I’m still aroused by Arsen’s touch, yet I’m sick with disgust for allowing it to happen. But I can’t stop. I can’t.

I stall for time, not really sure what to say.

Meanwhile, my lover is standing in front of me, watching me with stormy eyes as his chest contracts from his heavy breathing. His raging erection is tantalizing and beautiful.

“I guess I’ll see you at home,” I say.

The muscles in Arsen’s chest tense, but I ignore it. Ben is silent, and I think he’s going to hang up before replying, but he surprises me with his next words and how deep they cut. “Yes.” Ben pauses, “I love you. Don’t forget that. Always.”

The line goes dead, leaving me drowning in shame.

Arsen must notice a change in my demeanor because he doesn’t give me a chance to say or do anything before he pounces on me. Lifting me up in his arms, he brings me back to his bed.

As soon as I’m lying down, he begins to spread kisses all over my body, almost as if he were trying to brand me with his lips. The instant I feel his skin on mine, I can go back to pretending that nothing exists beyond the walls of his room. I know I should be angry with him and sickened by what he just did, but I can still hear Ben in my head, and I don’t want to. I can’t. I’ll go mad with guilt.

So I use Arsen.

“Arsen…”

His lips land on mine. “Yes…” he murmurs between kisses as his hands explore the curves of my body.

“I need you. Now,” I beg.

Make me feel nothing but your body inside mine.

Let me lose myself in pleasure.

Bury the truth so I don’t have to hurt because of it.

Lifting himself on his elbows, he hovers above me. I notice his lips are red and puffy from mine. “What do you think I’m trying to do here?”

“I don’t want to kiss anymore. I-I—”

“You want me to just f**k you?” He pushes the tip of his erection inside me. “Like this?”

I spread my legs wider to welcome him, grab him by the shoulders, and lift my hips. “Yes, please. I don’t want to think anymore,” I beg.

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know I made a mistake.

Arsen’s body stiffens instantaneously. “Is this about his phone call? Because if you want me to f**k you so you don’t have to think about him, I won’t. Fuck that,” Arsen spits at me as he rolls away from me, landing on his back.

“What do you mean? I…you don’t want me?” I sit up, grab the silky white sheet, and cover my exposed chest as I stare at his golden frame. The swollen tip of his dick gleams with the proof of my desire for him.

We stare at each other without speaking. I’m blushing of embarrassment, and Arsen is openly eyeing me with anger written on his face.

“No,” he says flatly, nostrils flaring.

I’m humiliated and mortified beyond words. What was I thinking? Of course he doesn’t want me. I’m worthless.

“I understand.”

I move to stand, but Arsen blocks me. Kneeling in front of me, he cups my face in his hands. “Fuck, Catherine. Stop. Look at me, please.”

I raise my eyes and stare at him. He’s like the sun. Blinding. I can’t tear my gaze away, even as I’m being blinded by him.

“Why is it always like this with us?” Groaning, he runs a hand through his hair. “One moment it’s like we’re flying, and the next I want to f**king hurt someone.” He pauses, lust and some feeling I don’t understand warring in his eyes, “I want you. So damn much. You know that. But I can’t do this. Not when it’s him you’re thinking about.”

“B-but I want you.” It’s not a lie. I do, so much.

Whenever I’m with him, I don’t feel cold, or empty, or broken. He makes it all go away.

“No. Not like this. I’m a worthless piece of shit for taking what’s not mine, but I won’t let him in here.” He points at his bed. “Not here. This is where I don’t have to share you. This is where you’re mine,” he says gently.

“Oh, Arsen. You aren’t…and he—”

“Shh, beautiful. Enough about him. Come here, let me kiss you. I need that f**king sweet mouth of yours on mine,” he says softly.

When Arsen lets go of my face, he leans down and kisses me on the lips once more. It’s short, but I can’t stop the reaction of my body the moment our mouths come together. His kiss invades my senses, inebriating me with its sweet flavor.

“You’re right. I was trying to…I’m sorry. So sorry,” I say guiltily as we lie together on his bed.

He looks up from his slow examination of our intertwined hands. “It’s fine. I understand what you were trying to do. I’ve been there. I’ve used sex to bury thoughts and emotions.” He kisses my forehead before continuing, “Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but I don’t want to f**k you while you think about him.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Forget it. Besides, I like this.” He lets go of my hand and wraps his arms around me as he chuckles. “Cuddling. Who the hell would’ve imagined that? You’re turning me into a pussy. Saying no to getting laid and cuddling instead,” he says, a boyish grin appearing on his face.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to take care of it?” I nod in the direction of his erection.

“Nah, it’ll go away.”

“But aren’t you in pain?”

“Nothing I can’t handle. Now be quiet and f**king kiss me again.”

And we get lost in sweet moments of oblivion. Our breaths filling each other’s lungs, Arsen slowly becoming part of me.
Hours later, before I leave his apartment, Arsen hugs me fiercely. He kisses the top of my head and every surface of my face. When he lets go of me, he raises a hand and cups my chin. “Is it like this with him?”

I’m taken aback by his question.

“No, don’t answer. I don’t want to know,” he says as he plants another quick peck on my lips.

As I make my way to the train station, I realize I should call Ben, but I choose not to. I want to think of Arsen for a little bit longer. For the first time since our affair began Arsen and I weren’t intimate, but somehow I feel closer to him than ever before.
When I arrive home later that night, I’m greeted by the smell of garlic and tomato sauce.

“Ben?” I ask loudly as I begin to remove my diamond studs, feeling my hair graze the top of my fingers.

“In here!” he shouts.

I want to change out of my clothes and brush my teeth, but instead I go in search of Ben. Faltering in my step, I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to say when I see him. I’m pretty sure he didn’t buy my excuse that I ran into Arsen while I was out shopping.

As soon as I reach the kitchen, I find Ben standing by the counter eating spaghetti from a floral bowl. He looks his usual preppy self even in washed out jeans and an old plain gray tee. He’s watching Mimi purr as she brushes herself against his leg, a sad expression on his face. When he hears me come in, he raises his gaze and examines my appearance. A bleak look flashes in his eyes, but it’s gone in an instant. And just like that, I’m reminded of everything I want to forget so badly and why. He’s a daily reminder of what will never be.

“Hi. I thought you were going to be working late tonight?” I ask as I put some shopping bags on the floor. Arsen picked up some stuff for me so I could come home and continue with my charade.

“I was supposed to, but decided to come home in the end. I thought you would be here…”

“Um, yes. I decided to have dinner with Arsen since I hadn’t seen him in ages.” As I lie, I’m overcome by repugnance at my own behavior. Not knowing what to do to get rid of it, I push all thoughts of Arsen out of my mind and focus on Ben.

“Did you just leave him?” Ben asks, carefully placing his bowl on the white marble countertop.

I reach for a napkin, wipe the corners of his mouth, and let my fingers hover above his lips. Lifting my eyes, I stare at his familiar eyes and the way they watch me with so much love.

“Yes, he wanted to go for drinks after dinner. I didn’t feel like having a drink, so I came home early.”

He circles his arms around my waist a little more forcefully than I’m used to. Silently we gaze at each other as Ben lifts a hand, then lets his thumb rub my lower lip, mirroring what Arsen had done not two hours ago.

I wonder if he can tell how swollen my lips are…

“I find it interesting that he was gone for so long and all of a sudden he seems to be everywhere,” he says quietly, still rubbing my lip. It’s beginning to hurt.

“What do you mean? I haven’t heard or seen him since that night at the bar,” I say as a cold shiver runs along my spine.

“How could I forget the bar? It was a f**king show. However…”

“Yes?”

“I say that he’s popping up everywhere because not three days ago I read on Page Six that he has been seen with an unknown blonde around town a couple times now.”

I feel like my stomach has dropped to the floor. “R-really? Do they k-know who she is?”

“Yes, really.” Ben grips my waist harder. “And no, they don’t know. You know how Manhattan is. If you want to be anonymous, it’s the place to be.”

“Yes,” I say, lifting my hand and placing it on top of Ben’s; stopping him because his touch has turned painful.

“As I was saying, they don’t know the identity of the woman, but they don’t seem too concerned. They called her the flavor of the week,” he chuckles.

I feel like Ben just kicked me in the gut. “Well, if she’s the flavor of the week, then why do they mind?”

“No f**king clue. Anyway, not my point. My point is that even you ran into him. How funny is that?” he asks bitingly.

“Um, yes. Well, I…we didn’t speak about his dating life. It was just…um…you know, life. Anyway, shopping wore me out.” I begin to pull away from him, but his hand remains planted on my waist, “Ben, let go. I want to take a shower and go to bed.”

“Why, babe? Are you tired?” he asks with a hint of sarcasm.

“Yes. Please, could you let go?” I say as I try to push away from him, but I’m met with resistance once more.

Suddenly his touch makes me uncomfortable. There’s something in the way he’s staring at me, and the tension I sense emanating from his body that lets me know how angry he is. Angrier than I have ever seen him.“Too tired to spend some time with me?” Ben asks, grabbing me by the h*ps and turning us around, backing me up against the countertop.